The Honu 100
Career Choices • A Day In The Life (Of A Dog)
One Minute Wit
Career Choices
When I was in High School, my teachers complained that I was always saying things that were nonsensical and contained no real substance.
My career counselor told me to go into politics.
Song Parody
A Day In The Life (Of A Dog)
A song parody of A Day In The Life by The Beatles
Play the video at the end of the story and sing along!
I got confused today, oh boy
About a chubby man I thought was cake
And though his face was rather sad
He didn’t taste too bad
Although he sure got mad
I know I shouldn’t chase his car
He wouldn’t stop when I was barking strange
A crowd of humans stood and glared
They’d heard my bark before
Nobody was really sure if they would make it to the grocery store
I saw a bird today, oh boy
An English Starling flew into our door
My human owners turned away
But I just had to look
In my bird guidebook
I’d love to take a run
[Musical interlude 1*]
Woke up, and shook my head
Bugged my owner to get fed
Found my way downstairs, felt like a pup
When let outside, I headed for the gate
Ground my feet, and chased the cat
Found a bone, in seconds flat
Knew the way outside to my neighbor’s oak
Lifted up my leg and I took a long pee
Arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf, arf arf arf…
I got confused today, oh boy
(Dug) four thousand holes in the backyard, that’s for sure
And though the holes were rather small
My owner saw them all
Now I know how many holes it takes to make it to the doggie pound
I’d love to take a run
[Musical interlude 2* leading up to the big chord ending]
*This song includes two passages of orchestral glissandos and crescendos, creating a dissonant, chaotic sound. Paul McCartney told the orchestra players to start at the lowest note on their instruments and play every note up to the highest note. Following the second crescendo, the song ends with a sustained chord, played by simultaneously hitting E major chords on three Steinway grand pianos and a harmonium. In case you wondered.
Story
The Honu 100
Underwater Sea Turtle race in Hawaii
Most humans are unaware of the Honu 100. But for the sea life around Hawaii, it is the event of the year. An underwater course is set up, and 33 of the Pacific Ocean’s fastest sea turtles (honu) race 100 miles around the Hawaiian Islands. Each year, different islands are featured in the course.
For months prior to the race, the racers follow a strict diet and exercise regime to be in top shape for the swim. As race day gets closer, the anticipation builds until the whole sea is abubble with excitement.
Finally, race day arrives.
Countless schools of fish show up to cheer on their favorites while starfish line up to mark the course. Wagering is common, especially among sharks, who often give out loans to those wanting to bet big.
Moments before the race, the racers line up. An octopus waves eight flags to start the race and zoom! Off they go.
Typically, sea turtles cruise at about 5 mph, but these top athletes can hit speeds of 22 mph in a sprint. But over the course of 100 miles, the average is about 12 mph. That typically works out to roughly an 8.5-hour race. The record time is 7.45 hours, by Honu legend Kaleah in 1967. Her name is still a popular name for baby girl sea turtles.
The 2023 race looked like a runaway for favorite Akoni, who had a substantial lead with less than 20 miles to go. But then, out of the back of the pack, Malie started making his move. One by one, Malie passed the other turtles until he was only seconds behind Akoni as the finish line appeared. With a miraculous burst of speed, Malie inched past Akoni at the last second and took the race.
The sea erupted with excitement. Water flew into the air. Some vacationing humans saw the water exploding into the sky and thought a new volcano was forming.
Malie’s friends and family swarmed Malie and carried him onto the beach. Malie was beyond exhausted. He has spent every ounce of energy he had during the race. Malie smiled and then passed out asleep.
Malie slept. And slept. And slept. For 12 hours, he slept. By then, most of the crowd had gone home to their own corners of the sea. But one determined crab reporter for the We Won’t Clam Up News stuck around to get the interview.
The reporter asked Malie, “That was the most amazing finish I have ever seen. How do you feel?”
“Great,” Malie said. “Except I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed I was racing in the forest against a hare.”
The reporter replied, “That’s weird. There is no way a turtle could beat a hare in a race.”
“I know. That’s crazy,” Malie replied.
After the interview, Malie swam home and celebrated with his wife by eating a whole package of Starburst Fruit Chews.
Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
Monday Morning Mark • 138
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Mark, I can attest to the probability of the Honu 100. For years we vacationed in Waikiki. Every afternoon at 4pm, a sea turtle (we named Tony) swam through the lagoon by our hotel. He spent a half hour swimming amongst and socializing with the bathers before moving on to parts unknown. I have a close-up photo of his head out of the water and winking.
The beach has changed in the last few years and the pandemic altered tourist habits, so I don't know what happened to Tony. We didn't see him last summer.
The song parody was hilarious. The recap of the Hono 100 was a little too soon for me. (Lost bigly on Akoni.)