Open Letter To My Owner, Rebecca Writerscramp
Weird Questions • The Town That Jeremy Built
One Minute Wit
Weird Questions
Isn’t it weird when people from the future ask you questions?
If they are from the future, shouldn’t they already know the answer?
Bunny Blog
Open Letter To My Owner, Rebecca Writerscramp
I appreciate you rescuing me from the pet store. But after six months, I am feeling a little neglected. And since you never respond to my emails, I am posting this on Substack in hopes that you will see it. If I could, I would put it in your Stats. Then I know you would see it—several times per day. But the best I can hope for is you might stumble upon it in your feed.
Where should I begin?
Food
I’m getting pretty tired of lettuce. Would an occasional taco be so much trouble? I see you making them every Tuesday. Making one extra wouldn’t be that hard, would it? But no, all I get is the leftover chopped lettuce. How rude.
Air conditioning in my hutch
Sure, it’s nice and cool inside your human hutch, but it’s broiling hot out here. If you haven’t noticed, sitting at your laptop typing all day, it’s summer outside! Have mercy and pipe some of that a/c out here. Or at least let me out so I can use the pool. I’ll wear floaties and promise not to poop in the water.
Television
Could you turn the TV around occasionally? I know you are in there binge-watching Stranger Things. I recognize the 80s-style intro music. Once you finish, how about giving me a chance? Watching Daisy, the poodle next door, is getting pretty boring. Sure, the first fifty times she tripped over the garden hose was funny. But now it’s just sad. I need entertainment.
Petting
How about you take a break from telling strangers how to live a better life and help me live my best bunny life? You haven’t scratched my ears or cuddled me for weeks. I am starved for attention. Maybe you should consider giving me to your niece, Sandy. She loves petting me when she comes over, which is not enough. You should up your Auntie game and have her over more.
Those are the biggies. I don’t think they are asking too much. I am your bunny, after all. I sit out here every day, always ready to meet your cuddle needs. It would be nice if you would think about my needs also.
I just want my owner back.
Love, Fluffy.
Story
The Town That Jeremy Built
Jeremy was a quiet man. Not the kind of man who gets noticed often. Except for Jenny at Sinker Donuts. Jenny noticed Jeremy. Not that Jeremy noticed Jenny noticing him. Jeremy wasn’t good at recognizing social clues, like Jenny’s personal questions or her smiles. Jeremy lived inside his head most of the time.
One day, after Jeremy left Sinker Donuts, Jenny’s coworker, Wanda, said, “Oh my word. Just ask the poor fool out. He obviously doesn’t have a clue you are interested.”
“I wanted him to think it was his idea, but you’re probably right. I need to do it. Next time he comes in, I’ll ask him out.”
Jeremy specialized in tables. He could build anything out of wood, but he preferred building tables. And he excelled at it. His tables commanded a high price, and there was a waiting list for each one. A gift of a table to his neighbor Dan had kept the two on good terms despite Jeremy’s woodworking shop serenading Dan’s house with power tool sounds all day.
Dan, and his wife Kim, had a precocious five-year-old daughter named Bethany, who liked to wander over to Jeremy’s shop and see what he was working on. Jeremy didn’t mind. Bethany was well-behaved and didn’t touch any of his tools. She only stayed for a few minutes while Jeremy showed her his latest project. He enjoyed the brief interruption and the company.
Jeremy decided he would make something for Bethany. At first, he thought of a dollhouse. But that seemed too ordinary. Instead, he decided he would build her a whole town. Jeremy didn’t usually build scale models but figured it would be a learning experience. Perhaps even another source of income if it turned out well.
He started with a couple of simple buildings for Main Street. Then he tried his hand at houses for the neighborhood. Over time he got quite good at building the models and began to enjoy it. He even created details like tiny wooden people to populate the town and a Sinker Donuts sign for the donut shop. Eventually, he tackled a carousel complete with horses.
When he wasn’t working on the town, Jeremy kept it under a tarp. When Bethany asked about the tarp one day, he told her it was wood for a project.
One afternoon, Jeremy was sitting on a stool, working on the town, lost in thought. He looked up and couldn’t believe what he saw. He was surrounded by wooden buildings. Jeremy recognized the buildings. They were the ones he built for Bethany’s town. He was in Bethany’s town!
Jeremy looked down at his hands. They were wooden, but they still worked like regular hands. He started to panic.
“Excuse me! Are you from here? I seem to be lost. I don’t even know how I got here,” a woman said.
“Ummm. Me either.” Jeremy began to run down the street, looking around. It was definitely the town he built.
The woman chased after him yelling, “Wait. I’m scared.”
Jeremy stopped and said, “I don’t know how it happened, but I built this town, and now we are in it.”
“You’re a carpenter?”
“A woodworker. But this is not a real town. It is a model.”
“I don’t understand,” the woman said.
“Neither do I,” Jeremy replied.
Suddenly, there was a loud noise above them. Jeremy and the woman looked up and saw the sky being pulled away. Then they saw the face of a giant hovering over the town. Jeremy instantly recognized it. It was Bethany.
Bethany had a huge smile and said, “I love it! It is so cute. Oh, look, a man and a woman.”
Bethany picked up Jeremy and the woman and started smashing them together while making kissing sounds. The pain was intense as Jeremy and the woman slammed into each other. Then Bethany lost her grip on Jeremy, and he fell to the ground. He could feel his bones breaking, and he screamed out in agony. Then everything went black.
Jeremy woke up and found himself on the shop floor. Everything was back to normal. Jeremy stood up, grabbed the town, and went outside. He then went to the garage, got some lighter fluid, sprayed the town with it, and set it on fire. He stood and watched it burn until it was nothing but ashes.
Then Jeremy returned to his wood shop and started working on a child-sized table and two chairs. That seemed like a safer gift for Bethany.
The next day, Jeremy went to Sinker Donuts. To his surprise, Jenny asked him out. Jeremy blushed a little, then he agreed.
That night as they were eating dinner, Jenny said, “I took a nap yesterday and had the craziest dream. I dreamed I woke up in a wooden town. And I was a wooden woman.”
Jeremy’s eyes got big. He took a breath, smiled, and said, “That’s weird.”
Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
I like the stories. They are cute. I felt for the bunny. Keep writing.
Both great stories on a Monday morning over coffee!, Mark. Poor, poor bunny. I hope his letter triggers a little pity in Ms. Writerscramp.
I loved this line: "If I could, I would put it in your Stats. Then I know you would see it—several times per day."