One Way Cave
On The Island Of Phiddle
by Phineas Phiddlephaddle*
The island of Phiddle has many mysteries, such as its location. Oddly, the island disappeared from every map in the early 1900s. Some outside folks say Phiddle sank into the ocean, like Atlantis. Phiddle residents don’t buy into this theory.
Most locals are convinced that Professor Tinkerhoffer created a device that somehow hides the island from ships and aircraft. Although he is an inventor, it is well-known that the professor despises the industrial revolution. The professor wants his beloved Phiddle to remain industry-free. And it has.
That is not to say that folks on Phiddle are not industrious — they are. But they mainly toil with their hands farming, making furniture, clothing, or Phiddleberry jam.
If you were to ask Professor Tinkerhoffer if he hid the island, he would harrumph the notion and respond with, “That’s preposterous. A silly rumor, no more.” This would be followed by a twinkle in his eye and the slightest upward curl of his mouth, making you question the truth of his response.
Now, before you start asking what all this has to do with the cave in the title of this story, the answer is not much. Other than it is a mystery, and I thought you might like to know. Well, on to the cave.
If you are not already aware, Mt. Phiddle is a commanding mountain, rising high above the Island of Phiddle. It is shaped much like a stovepipe hat. On the far side of the mountain, there is a cave. Actually, there are several, but there is one particular cave that Phiddle residents call One Way Cave.
Since there are no bears on Phiddle, it is generally safe to go into caves. Adventurous children often do and tell tales of pirates and buried treasure. But One Way Cave isn’t like the other caves. It is a mystery.
If you enter One Way Cave, do some exploring, and then turn around and exit the cave, it will seem like any other cave. However, if you enter One Way Cave and keep walking, a most unusual thing happens.
The cave interior runs in a straight line. If you try to find where the cave ends, you will have walked for roughly 45 minutes. Yet you will not find its end. Instead, you will find yourself leaving the very same cave opening you entered. It doesn’t matter if you stop and turn around or keep walking, you always end up exiting the same cave entrance. There seems to be no end to the cave inside.
Reginald Dooropener, in a fit of cleverness, once took a large ball of string with him into the cave and unrolled it as he walked. He walked in a straight line, never turning or wavering from his path. Sure enough, he exited out the same cave entrance he entered, finding the beginning of his string lying on the ground. He began winding up the string into a ball. When he finished the ball of string was twice as big as when he started.
Reginald thought he might have stumbled onto a good business, but there really wasn’t that much demand for string on Phiddle. Nevertheless, his mother was set for string for a very long time. When Professor Tinkerhoffer heard the tale, folks could practically see his mind spinning with excitement at the possibilities.
I suppose most folks would be astounded at finding such a cave. But there are many other equally mysterious things on Phiddle, so residents take it in stride. One Way Cave simply remains one of the many mysteries on the Island Of Phiddle.
*I have recently learned that some readers of this fine publication are under the impression that my name is an alias. A pen name, a pseudonym, a sobriquet, a nom de plume, a nom de guerre.
Well, I can assure you that my name actually is Phineas Phiddlephaddle. Phiddlephaddle is a proud family name on the island of Phiddle, where I was born. It means a Phaddle from the isle of Phiddle. No one is quite sure what a Phaddle is. That information was lost over time, like many great historical mysteries. Still, we Phiddlephaddles are proud of the name nonetheless.
Phineas is a common given name in my time. And that is where the confusion may lie. The truth of the matter is, I am not of this time. I am a child of the early 20th century. I came to reside in the 21st century due to unrestrained curiosity on my part.
The island of Phiddle has a small population. Needless to say, everyone knows everyone quite well. One of the residents of Phiddle is Professor Tinkerhoffer. A delightful, curious soul with a penchant for inventing. Naturally, these fantastic inventions attract the attention of the residents of Phiddle. I am no exception.
One day, as I was about, I noticed the professor’s door was open, so I ventured in. Professor Tinkerhoffer was nowhere to be found, but a strange contraption was sitting in the middle of the workshop. The unusual device had many dials and pipes and gauges and a large padded chair. I couldn’t resist. I took a seat.
Attached to the right arm of the chair was a lever. The lever had a note attached to it, with the words “Do not pull!” Naturally, I pulled. I suddenly found myself in 1971. As you can well imagine, I was shocked. I tried returning to my proper time but was unable to make the chair work again.
Eventually, I abandoned the effort. I have spent the past 54 years adjusting to this new era. I am comfortable here now but have never felt entirely at home.
Recently, I began writing tales of my old home. I have gathered them into this collection. I enlisted Mark Starlin, my good friend from this century, to publish the stories, as he was the one who encouraged me to write them and knows how to publish in this century.
I hope I have cleared up that misunderstanding. And more so, I hope you enjoy reading the tales of my beloved former home.
Good day.
Phineas Phiddlephaddle
Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
I would bet Fiddlesticks (er, Phiddlesticks) is also a cherished surname there.
Visitor: "You have a mystery on this island that defies natural explanation!"
Resident: "Yes, we do!... Um, specifically, you meant...?"
Visitor: "The One Way Cave!"
Resident: "Oh yeah, that one, that's a good one, that is. Yup." Goes back to what they were doing.