Don't Go Outside!
Off To London • Not So Helpful Advice From Google
One Minute Wit
Don’t Go Outside!
If you ever open your cupboard,
and a jar of peanut butter spills on your head, coating it with peanut butter,
and then while you are putting the peanut butter jar back, an open bag of popcorn falls out, coating the peanut butter on your head with popcorn,
don’t go outside!
Hawks love peanut butter and popcorn.
100-Word Story
Off To London
The day tripper
As Jessica was leaving her suburban home in Topeka, her husband John asked, “Where are you going, Babe?”
“London. I have wanted to ride the London Eye for years. So I’ve decided to go ahead and do it.”
“You’re going all the way to England to ride a Ferris wheel?”
“Well, I thought I would drop by Paul McCartney’s and have tea also.”
“Sounds delightful. Anything else?”
“Mick Jagger invited me to a Rolling Stones practice. That sounds fun.”
“No doubt. I see you are taking grocery bags.”
“I thought I would do some shopping also.”
“Get some ice cream.”
Humor
Not So Helpful Advice From Google
About my current predicament
I like to take walks. It is good for the heart and the mind to get outdoors and enjoy the beauty of nature. As I was walking along, enjoying the sights and sounds of nature, I stepped in a bucket. My foot got stuck, and I couldn’t pull it out.
You may be wondering how I didn’t see the bucket that was clearly in my path as I was walking. Well, that is not really the point of this story. And don’t just assume I was walking and staring at my phone, oblivious to everything around me. You don’t know that for sure. Unless you were videoing me with your camera. In which case, message me, and we will see if we can work something out. I would like that video.
Anyway. As I stood there with the bucket stuck on my foot, I took the phone — which just happened to be in my hand. That doesn’t necessarily mean I was looking at it while I walked — and Googled: How to get your foot unstuck from a bucket.
Some people say you can learn anything on the internet. Well, guess what, that’s not true. Oh, sure, there was some advice, but it was not very helpful. Here is what I found:
Cover your foot in bananas. Banana peels are slippery. Your foot should slip right out.
Well, in theory, that sounds good. But in practice, it just makes a gooey mess. And the looks I got at the grocery store as I walked around with a bucket on my foot and a cart full of bananas were not pleasant.
Google was wrong.
The next bit of Google advice was:
Fill the bucket with ice and wait for your foot to freeze. It should shrink and slip out easily. If not, you can chip off a little bit of your frozen shoe.
Anyone familiar with science knows that things contract when they get cold and expand when they get warm. So it was back to the grocery store to get a big bag of ice. You know what I learned? Ice is really cold! I couldn’t stand the pain waiting for my shoe to freeze.
Another Google failure.
The next entry on Google was:
Get a blow torch and cut the bucket in half.
Maybe you have a blow torch sitting on a shelf in your shed. But I don’t. So I had to clunk my way into the hardware store to buy one and some of those welding glasses. You know what I learned? The fire coming out of a blow torch is really hot!
You stink, Google!
I kept scrolling down the Google entries. Next up was this advice:
Fill the bucket with cement. Once it hardens, use a jackhammer to bust the cement and bucket open.
Back to the hardware store. The store owner asked what I was planning to do with the cement and jackhammer. When I told him, he said, “Did you know that cement creates heat as it cures? Your foot will get hot and expand, making it stuck even tighter. And the jackhammer will probably smack you in the face when you try to use it.”
Thanks a lot, Google.
By then, I figured my wife was probably wondering where I was. So I called her and told her about my predicament.
She said, “Why don’t you just untie your shoelace and pull your foot out of your shoe?”
[silence]
[silence]
“Mark. Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I was just about to do that. I should be home soon.”
Stupid Google.*
*Google doesn’t actually offer any advice for getting your foot unstuck from a bucket. I made it all up. Please don’t sue me, Google.
Happy Monday.
Mark
Haha! What a fun batch of stories. I think you’ve just written the opening for the next “Birds” movie! 🤣
Don’t go outside! - Oddly specific advice there, mystery person who may or may not have had an incident with a jar of peanut butter and a bag of popcorn. 🤔
Off to london - If Jessica shares her ice cream with the queen, she might get knighted.
Not so helpful advice from Google - This one was super funny! The advice on how to get your leg unstuck from a bucket may be fake, but the struggle of finding good advice on the internet is very real. Stupid Google.