Monday Morning Mark • 87

Why Don’t They? • Train Station Attendant • Dear Mr. Tumblebelly

Mark Starlin

Apr 25

One Minute Wit

Why Don’t They?

Why don’t they make sunglasses out of glazed donuts?

Then when it is cloudy you could have a snack.

Microfictiony Thing

Train Station Attendant

I don’t know her name.

I call her Holiday.

Because she only comes around a couple of times a year.

But when she does, she brings me joy.

It’s her smile.

I can’t be sad when I see that smile.

I’m only sad to see her go.

Humor

Dear Mr. Tumblebelly

Regarding your letter concerning our jams

Dear Mr. Tumblebelly

I am writing in regards to your recent letter.

I understand your concern, but it is my strongly-held belief that eating our strawberry jam could not possibly be the cause of your dog turning into a cat.

Toastcoaters Delicious Jams contain only natural ingredients. The strawberry jam in question contains only strawberries, pure cane sugar, and lemon juice. None of the three ingredients is known to turn an animal from one species into another.

In fact, I have consulted with experts from the American Museum Of Natural History in New York, and they have assured me that no brand of strawberry jam could cause a canine to transform into a feline.

Therefore, allowing your dog to eat the scraps off your breakfast plate — particularly the Toastcoaters Delicious Jams strawberry jam on your toast — could not be the cause of any animal mutations.

Have you considered the possibility that your dog ran away and a stray cat took its place, hoping for food? Or tasty jam? It seems a far likelier scenario. Few animals can resist our delicious jams and preserves. And cats are known to be sly creatures who frequently seize opportunities to ingratiate themselves into human lives, thus assuring their own welfare.

Perhaps your new cat was responsible for the disappearance of your dog. Perish the thought, but it is not beyond the realm of possibility that the cat now residing in your home taunted your dog into chasing it and ran swiftly toward a cliff of substantial height. Then at the last moment, swerved to the right or left, as cats do so well with their cat-like agility, not leaving your dog time to react and causing it to plummet over the cliff to its untimely demise.

Or possibly the sneaky feline placed a large steak in the road, luring your dog into a lethal position just before the 3:15 bus roared down the street. It is a gruesome thought, no doubt, but it seems more feasible than a jam-induced dog-to-cat transformation.

I also have to object to the idea that continued eating of our jams led to your new cat becoming a vampire cat. The same team of experts at the Natural History Museum who assisted me with the “dog to cat” issue has assured me that there is no evidence for the existence of vampire cats. While vampire bats do exist, their name is a bit of a misnomer. They do feed on blood, but they do not turn their victims into eternal blood-sucking creatures of the night.

Perhaps the cause of the marks on your neck can be explained by something other than your cat becoming a vampire. For example, have you recently fallen onto an open stapler? Even if the marks were indeed caused by your cat, that doesn’t necessarily mean your cat was trying to drink your blood. Have you recently taken up the practice of wearing scarves knitted from catnip? Or wearing fish necklaces?

Maybe a mouse cuddled up next to your neck while you slept, hoping to keep warm. Then your cat noticed the rodent and pounced, accidentally clawing you. Your new cat might simply be trying to impress you with its mousing skills.

Therefore, after consulting with our legal team, I am declining your request that Toastcoaters Delicious Jams pay to manufacture a box of silver cat-vampire bullets. And I strongly suggest you seek another means of resolution to your pet issues.

We at Toastcoaters Delicious Jams are actively involved in several charities, including pet rescue facilities. We would be pleased to find your cat a new, suitable home. Thus sparing you the horror and cleanup of the silver bullet solution. I await your response.

With regard,

Winston Tautmanner
President
Toastcoaters Delicious Jams

A week later.

Dear Mr. Tumblebelly

Thank you for responding. While I am still not convinced that your cat is an actual vampire, I do agree, there is more than a little irony in the fact that your dog was named Van Helsing.

A representative from Toastcoaters Delicious Jams will call you shortly to arrange a meeting time to take possession of your cat. No, we do not foresee having to send the cat to Transylvania to locate a home for it.

I am pleased that you have decided to adopt a new puppy. Might I suggest the name Smuckers?

As a token of my thanks for your understanding, I am enclosing a coupon good for two free jars of any Toastcoaters Delicious Jams.

Good day,

Winston Tautmanner
President
Toastcoaters Delicious Jams