My Elements Of Style

Data Storage Strategy • I Went To A Garden Party

One Minute Wit

Data Storage Strategy

Going Green

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It seems like every few years my data storage devices become obsolete.

So I have decided to go green.

Now I only use parrots to make copies of my thoughts.

Plant Poetry

I Went To A Garden Party

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I went to a garden party
To show off my new-found fame
The peas were green with envy
The beets gave me no acclaim

The carrots never showed their faces
The potatoes snubbed me too
The cantaloupe were disgraces
So were the honeydew

The celery were insufferable
The radish’s words were sharp
The tomatoes all avoided me
And hid under a tarp

The lettuce shrugged their shoulders
Which I didn’t know they had
The onions were just flaky
Seemed like everyone was mad

Well, you can’t please everybody 
I suppose it’s just my breed
I feel like such an unloved one
Just because I am a weed

Writing Humor, And Amazing Facts, And Stuff I Made Up

My Elements Of Style

Are a little different than Strunk’s

Photo: Patrick Fore • Book image: Cornell University Digital Library

Apparently, there is a book called The Elements of Style which actually explains how to write with style. It was written in 1918 by William Strunk, a professor of English at Cornell University. The professor privately published this short book for his students to teach them the proper use of American English when writing for his class.

Why didn’t anyone inform me of this when I applied for my writer’s license? Oh, wait. I never applied. I must have forgotten. There is a writer’s license, isn’t there? They don’t let just anyone write, do they?

Anyway, being a bit of a sluffer, [1918 slang for someone who doesn’t take life too seriously] I had no clue there was this spiffy [1918 slang for good] book that could make me a stylish writer. All those unstylish words I wrote over the years. If I only knew about this book!

The Plot Thickens

In the 1950s there was this chap named E.B. White [what is the deal with writers and initials? Since he isn’t volunteering his real name I will guess and call him Egbert Balloonbelly White. He also wrote some book about a spider.] who was a writer at The New Yorker. Good old Egbert stumbled upon a revision of the original book published in 1935. It bought back memories of the original, which he had received when he was a student of Professor Strunk. Egbert wrote about the book in The New Yorker.

Well, the good folks over at Macmillan and Company Publishers saw the article and commissioned Egbert [Professor Strunk had already passed away in 1946] to write a modernized, revised edition. Which he did in 1959. The first edition sold about two million copies. Apparently, there were a lot of unstylish writers in 1959. The Elements Of Style has sold a couple of trillion copies since [that’s just my best guess, I didn’t do any actual research on it.]

The Plot Curdles

Obviously, I have never read the book myself. My writing elements of style are caveman, Frankenstein’s monster, and Scooby-Doo. I figure, why mess with a good thing?

Maybe someday I will read The Elements Of Style. Although, if my writing suddenly becomes stylish people will probably think I hired a ghostwriter. Especially if I start writing BOO! a lot.

Don’t worry fans of unstylish writing. I’m far too cheap to hire a ghostwriter and way too lazy to learn grammar or style. Plus I totally like making Stephen King boiling mad by using adverbs.

Happy Monday.

Mark

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Monday Morning Mark • 80