Monday Morning Mark • 56
September 20, 2021
One Minute Wit
Burned Microwave Popcorn
Things I’ve Learned The Hard Way
Burned microwave popcorn tastes even worse than it smells.
By the 20th handful, I couldn’t eat any more.
An Aging Legend
Somewhere in the old west…
“Ain’t you a little old to be a gunslinger?”
“I got no love for it. But you dang fool kids won’t leave me alone.”
“No quicker way to fame than taking out Erstwhile Lightningleft.”
After I buried the kid, I thought, I’m tired. Gonna warm my bones by the fire.
Blue is the perfect color for sky.
Clouds look best in white.
Green was a great choice for grass. Imagine a baseball field without it.
Of course, an orange should be orange. An orange lemon would look ridiculous.
Red strawberries look best on vanilla ice cream. Although I am not opposed to strawberry ice cream.
Bananas make you wait until they turn yellow.
Black and white live in harmony on a zebra. I noticed.
It would be a sin if cardinals were not red.
Brown and green earth are the perfect canvas for wildflower art.
Red dirt reminds me of home.
Waterfalls share the same color as snow.
Leaves of green go out in a blaze of glory. Attention drawn.
. . .
There is a bridge that crosses a stream that feeds the pond near our house. As my wife and I were walking across the bridge I noticed the colorful display fallen leaves had made on the bridge. It was art of the purest form. Nature’s art. Earth’s palette. The colors of Creation.
Four Old Guys Go To The Donut Shop
Wally tells a story
Wally: Did I ever tell you about the time I found a huge diamond?
Jack: Here we go.
Vern: Did I ever tell you about the time I invented soup?
Floyd: You give it to some dame? ’Cause I ain’t never seen you wear jewelry.
Wally: There is a good reason I don’t wear jewelry. I don’t need bling to do my thing. I use my eyes to mesmerize. I work my brain, not a chain.
Jack: What, you’re a rapper now?
Vern: Man, you ain’t had a date since Frank Sinatra had hair.
Floyd: Frank Sinatra sang at my high school.
Wally: He did not.
Jack: Floyd, we all know you dropped out in the fifth grade, the fourth time you tried it.
Vern: My fourth-grade teacher was a doll.
Floyd: You’re confusing her with the doll you stole from Becky Francis and played with after school every day.
Wally: Anyway, I was walking through a field in France right after the war and I saw this huge diamond just laying on the ground. So I stuck it in my duffle and brought it home.
Jack: I put a German tank in my duffle bag.
Vern: I stole Patton’s stars.
Floyd: And then you went to work at the Ford factory instead of selling the huge diamond for a fortune.
Wally: No. I had the diamond made into a ring and proposed to my sweetheart at the time, Lilly MacCulloch. Oh, she was a rare beauty. Fiery red hair. Hourglass figure. Could sing like an angel. [He sighs.] But the diamond was so big she could barely lift her hand.
Jack: [Laughs loudly. Spits out some donut. Everyone in the donut shop looks.]
Floyd: I should take a trip to Scotland sometime. I ain’t buying this story for a minute.
Wally: It’s true. So I had the diamond cut up into smaller stones and made into a necklace. But then the necklace gave her a backache.
Jack: My back ain’t been the same since I lifted that tank out of my duffle bag.
Vern: I’m getting a headache.
Floyd: Hold on. I’m going to get another donut.
Wally: Get me a glazed.
Jack: I’ll take a cinnamon.
Vern: Get a bear claw for me.
Floyd: Now I’m a waiter? Pony up some cash fellas. I ain’t running no charity.
Floyd returns with the donuts.
Wally: Like I was saying, the diamond necklace was too heavy for her, so I had the diamonds cut even smaller and put them on two bracelets, four pins, a set of earrings, and three different rings. I thought the problem was solved. Well, I had just bought a new car and I wanted to take Lilly for a drive. She insisted on wearing all her diamonds. The sun started reflecting off all those stones and I couldn’t see the road. I ended up crashing the car into a tree.
Jack: Did you live?
Vern: He’s sitting right here.
Floyd: What kind of car?
Wally: A Ford Super DeLuxe. Anyway. I was fit to be tied. When we got back to my house I took a hammer and crushed all the diamonds into a million little pieces and vacuumed them up. I tell ya what. I was glad that was over. Diamonds are dumb.
Jack: They sure are.
Vern: Nothing but trouble. Like women.
Floyd: What did Lilly do?
Wally: She called off the wedding and left me.
Jack: Ain’t that just like a woman.
Vern: You were better off without her. All she cared about was diamonds.
Floyd: You still got her number?