Fourth Anniversary Issue

Hand me a tissue

Aug 31, 2024

Today is the fourth anniversary of Mark Starlin Writes! I sent out my first Monday Morning Mark on August 31st, 2020. I would like to thank each of you personally for subscribing and reading, but I am far too lazy to type out over 1300 names.

I especially want to thank my regular commenters. Seriously, you are the reason I write. Your comments make writing fun. I enjoy interacting with you, and your comments let me know someone is actually reading. I am old enough to know myself, and I know that without readers, I wouldn’t bother writing. I need an audience for my creativity, and apparently, you need something to read. So thank you, thank you, thank you!

I also want to give an extra super-duper, say it again like a looper, high-five, this ain’t no jive, special thanks to those of you who have supported my efforts over the years as paid subscribers. Thinking that you enjoy my writing enough to support it financially makes my heart smile. It is optional, and I don’t expect it, so it is special, and I greatly appreciate it.

Dear readers (free and paid), all I can say is you are beacons of good taste in a world that embraces social media distraction, hive mentality, and products made of space-age polymers. Your wit and intelligence shines so brightly that I need a welding mask to read your comments. You are special human beings. Thanks for being my Substack amigos.

I thought I would celebrate this milestone by reposting four of my favorite stories from the past four years. But choosing only four was nearly impossible. So I went with a One Minute Wit story, a humor story, a fiction story, and a poem. I think they show a reasonable overview of the variety in my writing.

I didn’t pick any stories from the past year. I wanted to spotlight older stories you have probably not read since they are buried deep in the archive. But even if you have, I think they are worth another read.

Thanks again! - Mark

One Minute Wit

A New Look

I decided I wanted a new look.

So, several years ago, I started gradually adding gray to my hair.

A Poetic Story

Jimmy Was A Romance Writer

Jimmy was a romance writer
His novels sold and sold
But Jimmy never knew real love
until he was quite old

His novels were just his own dreams
His wishes for himself
Nothing more than Fantasy
put on the Romance shelf

He wasn’t much to look at
Or so the girls would say
He lacked a chiseled man physique
Much to his dismay

To top it off, he went bald
at an early age
A heartbreaking experience
that made him disengage

Why bother even trying
to win a pretty face?
So sad he never realized
a pretty heart could take its place

So Jimmy wrote his novels
and lived inside his books
Where everyone was confident
and blessed with model looks

He never went to book signings
His author photos were not of him
They were provided by his publisher
as photographic pseudonyms

The author model was selected
by a reader focus group
Designed for maximum appeal
Book buyers were all duped

Jimmy became wealthy
but he still felt alone
What good are all these riches
with no one to call my own?

The years went by as year will do
and Jimmy wrote his tales
Until he’d finally had enough,
packed up, and moved to Wales

He bought a cottage on some land
to live out his golden years
Jimmy started writing poetry
he dotted with his tears

But his publisher had no interest
in Jimmy’s heartfelt words
So he self-published a little book
entitled “For The Birds”

He placed a photo of himself
on the last page where you should
He would simply be himself
Surely, that was good?

The book sold only ten copies
He wasn’t too surprised
It wasn’t what his fans desired
and he didn’t advertise

But then one day, he heard a knock
on his cottage door
He opened it, and there she stood
The one he would fall for

She said she loved his poems so much
she had to meet the man
Who wrote so purely from his heart
And so romance began

Age had solved the problem
of Jimmy’s subpar looks
His new love shared his wrinkles
and his love for reading books

Together they were happier
than Jimmy dared dream of
In the end, the Romance Writer
found his one true love

Humor

Four Old Guys Go To The Donut Shop

Wally tells a story

Wally: Did I ever tell you about the time I found a huge diamond?
Jack: Here we go.
Vern: Did I ever tell you about the time I invented soup?
Floyd: You give it to some dame? ’Cause I ain’t never seen you wear jewelry.

Wally: There is a good reason I don’t wear jewelry. I don’t need bling to do my thing. I use my eyes to mesmerize. I work my brain, not a chain.
Jack: What, you’re a rapper now?
Vern: Man, you ain’t had a date since Frank Sinatra had hair.
Floyd: Frank Sinatra sang at my high school.

Wally: He did not.
Jack: Floyd, we all know you dropped out in the fifth grade, the fourth time you tried it.
Vern: My fourth-grade teacher was a doll.
Floyd: You’re confusing her with the doll you stole from Becky Francis and played with after school every day.

Wally: Anyway, I was walking through a field in France right after the war, and I saw this huge diamond just lying on the ground. So I stuck it in my duffle and brought it home.
Jack: I put a German tank in my duffle bag.
Vern: I stole Patton’s stars.
Floyd: And then you went to work at the Ford factory instead of selling the huge diamond for a fortune.

Wally: No. I had the diamond made into a ring and proposed to my sweetheart at the time, Lilly MacCulloch. Oh, she was a rare beauty. Fiery red hair. Hourglass figure. Could sing like an angel. [He sighs.] But the diamond was so big she could barely lift her hand.
Jack: [Laughs loudly. Spits out some donut. Everyone in the donut shop looks.]
Vern: Medic!
Floyd: I should take a trip to Scotland sometime. I ain’t buying this story for a minute.

Wally: It’s true. So I had the diamond cut up into smaller stones and made into a necklace. But then the necklace gave her a backache.
Jack: My back ain’t been the same since I lifted that tank out of my duffle bag.
Vern: I’m getting a headache.
Floyd: Hold on. I’m going to get another donut.

Wally: Get me a glazed.
Jack: I’ll take a cinnamon.
Vern: Get a bear claw for me.
Floyd: Now I’m a waiter? Pony up some cash, fellas. I ain’t running no charity.

Floyd returns with the donuts.

Wally: Like I was saying, the diamond necklace was too heavy for her, so I had the diamonds cut even smaller and put them on two bracelets, four pins, a set of earrings, and three different rings. I thought the problem was solved. Well, I had just bought a new car, and I wanted to take Lilly for a drive. She insisted on wearing all her diamonds. The sun started reflecting off all those stones, and I couldn’t see the road. I ended up crashing the car into a tree.
Jack: Did you live?
Vern: He’s sitting right here.
Floyd: What kind of car?

Wally: A Ford Super DeLuxe. Anyway, I was fit to be tied. When we got back to my house, I took a hammer, crushed all the diamonds into a million little pieces, and vacuumed them up. I tell ya what. I was glad that was over. Diamonds are dumb.
Jack: They sure are.
Vern: Nothing but trouble. Like women.
Floyd: What did Lilly do?

Wally: She called off the wedding and left me.
Jack: Ain’t that just like a woman.
Vern: You were better off without her. All she cared about was diamonds.
Floyd: You still got her number?

Sci-Fi

The Thinning

-2245-

We had tried to colonize three planets. All three were failures.

Mars was too inhospitable to survive outside of our domes. We eventually learned that humans are not psychologically equipped to live inside domes. Humans need sky. We need outdoors. More than that, we need to breathe outdoors. We cannot survive long-term in domes. Politics on Earth prevented terraforming from becoming a reality and killed the dream of a green and blue Mars. Mars was eventually abandoned.

We turned to planets outside of our solar system. Habitable “Goldilocks” planets. Our next attempt, Insulam, had lifeforms that viewed us as pests. We became their insects. Worthless things to be killed because we looked creepy and were annoying. The next planet we ventured to, Spero, had no lifeforms outside of vegetation. But the vegetation was too toxic to eat. And the soil killed any Earth crops we tried to plant.

Things were getting grim. Earth was dying. We had no other choice but to colonize or perish as a species. We sent out scout ships to hundreds of planets scientists considered life-sustaining possibilities. These were one-way missions. Our task was to evaluate our planet and determine if it was suitable for colonization. If we survived, we would report back to Earth, and humans would follow our lead.

Kate and I went to Somnium, which is Latin for dream. When we arrived, it seemed like a dream. Somnium isn’t really a planet. It is a moon orbiting a giant gas planet. One of a dozen moons orbiting the planet. They all appeared habitable. We chose the one that seemed most promising and landed. It was a good choice.

Somnium is similar in size to our own Luna but lush and green. Life abounds. Intelligent life, we soon discovered. The natives of Somnium are humanoids. Quite similar in appearance to humans, though smaller and hairless, with a purple tint to their skin. They are farmers. They have developed tools and domesticated farm animals. They seemed unafraid when we arrived and, through gestures, welcomed us with food and drink.

Over the next two years, we learned their language, their culture, and how to farm their crops. It was an ideal existence. The moon was beautiful beyond description. Green and purple crops covered the slightly hilly land, and deep blue lakes dotted the landscape. It was nothing like the polluted, dying Earth we left. The Somniums didn’t have a name for their moon; they just called it “here.” We grew to love our new home and its inhabitants.

Somnium had none of the problems created by humans on Earth. There was no central government. People simply cared about each other. Life was simple. You worked hard and then enjoyed your rest and the company of your neighbors. The Somniums lived a peaceful life. They had a saying they said before every meal. “The land gives. We take. The land takes. We give.”

Earth had decided if scouts could survive for two years on a planet, it was a suitable candidate for colonization. On the evening before our two-year anniversary on Somnium, Kate asked me to walk with her.

“Jack, we can’t do it.”

“What?”

“We can’t report back. You know what will happen. Humans will come and wipe out the Somniums. We will ruin this place. It’s our nature.”

“Are you crazy? Earth is dying. We have to report back.”

“Let them go somewhere else.”

“What if there is nowhere else?”

“They sent out almost a thousand scout ships. They will find something.”

“And what if the other scouts do the same?”

“I don’t care.”

“You’re letting your emotions cloud your judgment. This is our mission. Billions of lives depend on it. Tomorrow, we will report back.”

“Please, Jack, think about it. We will be killing this place and the Somniums if we report back. The Somniums aren’t equipped to deal with all the garbage humans bring. And this moon certainly can’t sustain billions of people.”

“The other moons are likely inhabitable. And we could use this as a base to find other planets.”

“Jack, I’m begging you. Just consider it.”

“I will. It’s late. Let’s head back.”

When we got back to the village, we saw a horrifying sight. Several Somniums were laid on the ground in neat rows. They were dead, and they all had a single stab wound to the chest. One of the Somniums standing near the bodies saw us and motioned us over. We had never seen him before.

“I am Neb. I imagine you are wondering what is happening. I will explain. The land can only sustain a certain number of us. Every two years, the eldest among us give ourselves back to the land so the children can enjoy their time on the land. One elder for each child born. It is called The Thinning. I am the Thinner.”

“That’s barbaric!” Kate said.

“I do not know this word,” Neb said.

“She means it is wrong,” I said.

“This is the way of things. It has been since time past and will continue for all time. The land gives. We take. The land takes. We give.”

At that moment, two Somniums grabbed both Kate and me by the arms and held them. They were surprisingly strong.

Neb continued.

“You have upset the balance by being here. The land will take you now also.”

Then he pulled out a long knife.

Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Here’s to four more years!

Mark

Mark Starlin Writes!