One Minute Wit
Just Letting You Know
If you ever go in the kitchen and fall in a huge puddle of pancake syrup and then try to wipe the syrup off with cookies, and you discover that cookies don’t wipe up syrup very well,
so you try coating the syrup and cookie crumbs with peanut butter to make them easier to wipe off with a spatula, and then realize that peanut butter is not getting the job done,
so you pour vegetable oil all over yourself to loosen up the peanut butter and cookies and syrup, and then find out that while vegetable oil is a good lubricant, it is also really messy and slippery,
so you rip open several bags of potato chips and coat your whole body with them, hoping to soak up some of the oil, and then discover that chips are already oily and, therefore, do not soak up much oil,
so you remember that someone said rice soaks up water when you drop your phone in the pool, so you try pouring rice all over yourself, but it doesn’t soak up anything that you can see,
so you give up and decide to come over to my house.
I will be out of town that day.
A song parody of Anticipation by Carly Simon
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Play the video at the end of the parody and sing along!
We can never know, acronyms are so dumb
But we rack our brains anyway
And I wonder if I’ll suss it out somehow
Or just wasting time I really should have saved
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It makes me insane
It’s oh so frustratin’
And I tell you how easy spelling can be to do
And how right the words feel spelled fully
But I, I just curse those words you shrunk so slight
When I was thinking about your word amputee
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It makes me insane
It’s oh so frustratin’
And tomorrow there’ll be another cipher
I’m no prophet, and I don’t like mayonnaise
So I’ll try to see into your mind right now
And quote Shakespeare ‘cause these are the weirdest days
These are the weirdest day
Yeah quote Shakespeare ‘cause these are the weirdest days
My brain is purple haze
They set my mind ablaze
They give me brain malaise
Please don’t paraphrase
Are you old enough to want some ketchup now?
Humor
Four Old Guys Go Fishing
The fish weren’t biting.
Wally: What is the worst thing to ever happen to you?
Jack: Once, when I was working for NASA, a Saturn V rocket exploded on takeoff, and molten hot shards of metal hit me in the face at 600 mph.
Vern: That’s nothing. Once, I got off a bus, and my shoelace got caught in the door, and the bus dragged me two city blocks.
Floyd: That’s kid’s stuff. Once, I ate at Taco Bell.
Wally: What is the best thing that ever happened to you?
Jack: Pizza.
Vern: The bus stopped after two blocks.
Floyd: I’m still waiting for it.
Ten minutes go by. Still no bites.
Wally: What would you do if you were rich?
Jack: Move to Cuba and start my own pizza business. Americano Pizza.
Vern: That’s so crazy, it just might work.
Floyd: Well, Jack is an expert on crazy. I wonder if The Monkey Bar in Havana is still open? Monkeys love pizza. At least that one in the Monkey Bar did. Probably because it’s so hard to get good pizza in the jungle.
Wally: What is one thing you wish you had done but didn’t?
Jack: I wish I had been a major league baseball player.
Vern: Well, you might have had a shot if you had learned how to throw a baseball. Or bat. Or run. Or catch.
Floyd: I could have been a pro ball player if I hadn’t eaten at Taco Bell an hour before my minor league tryouts. Instead of running bases, I was running for the commode.
Wally: I met Ty Cobb in a bar once in the 50s.
Jack: I think you meant corn on the cob.
Vern: I heard he was a mean old cuss.
Floyd: Yeah, maybe you were just looking in a mirror.
The fish must be sleeping. Ten minutes pass.
Wally: Did I ever tell you I dated Marilyn Monroe? Before she married Joe DiMaggio. Of course, she was still Norma Jeane Mortenson back then.
Jack: Yeah, right. Remember that time we double-dated? You and Marilyn and me and Grace Kelly. Good times.
Vern: Was that before or after you dated Brigitte Bardot?
Floyd: I took Doris Day out to dinner once. We went to Taco Bell. For some reason, she didn’t want to see me again.
Do fish hibernate?
Wally: This is ridiculous. Why aren’t the fish biting? What are you guys using for bait?
Jack: Pizza.
Vern: Ha, ha, ha! Americano Pizza, I’ll bet. Too bad these ain’t Cuban fish.
Floyd: I’m using leftover Taco Bell.
Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
Thanks for the laughs, Mark. Your conversation above with C.L. is priceless, too. 🤣
Thanks for the heads up on what not to do if the first scenario ever happens to me. If it does, I'll just go hug my hubby. XD