10 Reasons Why You Should Never Write A Listicle
Forget About Joining A Gym • Sea Monsters Of Old And Marshmallows • Listicle Loser
One Minute Wit
Forget About Joining A Gym
Some people pay big bucks to go to the gym and work out.
You don’t have to.
You can come over to my house anytime and do yard work for free.
Weird Stuff
Sea Monsters Of Old And Marshmallows
I awoke and found myself at the ocean. I had no memory of how I got there. The sky was gray. As I began to walk along the beach I was alone. Then the whole world began to shake like I was in a Jason Bourne movie. I felt ill. So I ran.
Eventually, I fell down on the sand. The shaking stopped. I looked out at the crashing waves, and suddenly, Leviathan, the Kraken, the Giant Squid, and several other sea monsters of old appeared near the shore. One by one, they all made incredibly loud sea monster noises. I figured it was probably not a good idea to go in the water.
Then I noticed that lying right next to me was one of the launching guns they use at minor league baseball games. Next to that was a huge pile of marshmallows that were the exact same size as rolled-up t-shirts. So naturally, I began launching marshmallows out to the awaiting sea monsters, who were surprisingly good at catching marshmallows. After I launched the last marshmallow the sea monsters slid back into the waters and were gone.
I felt a tapping on my shoulder. Like an electric shock, the sensation shook my reality. Then I heard a muffled sound. The fog that gripped my mind slowly began to lift. A man in a tie appeared. He was obviously a man of great importance. He was talking. I struggled to understand him. Then suddenly, I could.
He said, “Sir. You need to stop throwing toilet paper rolls down the aisle. You’re scaring the other customers.”
I said, “Sorry. I’m easily distracted. I actually came for milk.”
I have decided not to go back to that grocery store for a while.
On Writing
10 Reasons Why You Should Never Write A Listicle
Many writers consider listicles a low-quality or lazy form of writing. Some refer to them as fluff. Although fluff is a valuable component of a pillow, it is not given much love in the writing arena.
Perhaps you are on the fence about writing your first listicle. Get down! It’s dangerous to walk on fences. Keep your feet on the ground and heed my advice on why you should never write a listicle.
1.) Listicle is one of those words that just looks wrong. It’s like a weird combination of list, icicle, and testicle—three things that should never go together.
2.) It is a slippery slope. One day, you innocently write a listicle, thinking just one is no big deal. Next thing you know you are making a listicle of all the listicles you have written. But soon, the high starts to fade, and you look for a new fix. You discover the To-Do List, which works for a while. But you are getting hooked on lists and need more. So you start making grocery lists. You are sliding faster now. Next thing you know, you are creating wish lists. And finally, you begin a checklist to make sure you have completed everything on all of your other lists. It’s madness, I say! Don’t go down that road.
3.) It leads to Clickbait. A listicle without a clickbait title doesn’t work. No one wants to read A Comprehensive Numerical Array Of Unusual Characters Working In The Entertainment Business. You have to title your scholarly work The 20 Weirdest Celebrities Today. Now you have sunk to writing listicles and clickbait titles. What’s next? Writing about writer’s block? Have some self-respect, Writer.
4.) Quick, name a beloved listicle writer. You can’t. There is no such thing! You will need to use an alias for your listicles if you ever plan to do serious work in the future. (Although the house on the private island you bought from your listicle earnings might lessen the pain of infamy.)
5.) It’s bad juju, mojo, and Hulu. I don’t really understand what any of those are, but they look good together in a list. So I’m going with it. It’s not like listicles need to make sense.
6.) You may develop Listicle Reflux. A painful condition that occurs after gorging on too many Listicles. Bouts of paranoia, uncontrollable vomiting, and loss of intelligence are common symptoms.
7.) It could result in drowning. Let’s say you’re on a deadline. Your boss needs five listicles from you by morning. You get “in the zone” and start cranking them out, ignoring the repeated warnings on the radio about a tsunami heading toward your private island beach house. Next thing you know. Game over. All because you decided to join the listicle game. Don’t become another sad statistic.
8.) Someday, a famous musician (or I*) will write a song about you called Listicle Loser. No, this is not a good thing.
9.) You are competing with me, The Mystical Egotistical Listicle Writicle Oracle (trademark pending.) And I don’t like it. Don’t make me write a listicle about how lame your listicles are. I’ll do it—including footnotes.
10.) You have to come up with ten things! That’s hard!
I rest my case.
*Keep scrolling…
Song Parody
Listicle Loser
Based on Lonesome Loser by The Little River Band. Play the video at the end and sing along.
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
Beaten by the Queen of Substack* every time
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
He’s a loser, but he still keeps on trying
Sit down, take a look at your list
Does it contain enough dumb items
Someday, somebody’s gonna read clear-eyed
You have to face up; you can’t deny your crime
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
Beaten by the Queen of Substack* every time
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
He not rich yet, but still he keeps on tryin’
Unlucky at lists, at least that’s what they say
He lost his mind tryin’ to write a relevant essay
He still keeps writing, though there’s nothing left
He got blocked and lost; now he has to pay the cost
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
Beaten by the Queen of Substack* every time
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
He’s not famous, but he still keeps on tryin’
“It’s okay,” he smiles and says
Though his failure is driving him crazy
He has fiction stories stuck in his head
But he writes non-fiction posts, and that is all
Guitar solo
Sit down, take a look at your list
Does it contain enough dumb entries
Someday, somebody’s gonna change your mind
You have to wake up; you just waste your time
Have… you… heard about the Listicle Loser?
Beaten by the Queen of Substack* every time
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
He’s a snoozer, but he still keeps on trying
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser? (guitar fill)
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser? (guitar fill)
Have you heard about the Listicle Loser? (guitar fill)
Now tell me, have you heard about the Listicle Loser?
*
(The Queen Of Substack)Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
Ok I have no idea why I'm tagged in an article about listicles lol. But also I think all the time about how body builders should just do yard work. I know plenty of people who would let them do their yard work for free. Instead they pay to do it at the gym without making any progress on anything. How silly!
Well, there goes my idea of writing listicles on Listverse for pay...