Crummy Morning
Acting Up Again • Fortune Cookie Fortunes
One Minute Wit
Crummy Morning
Inventor Log Entry
I had a crummy morning.
I spent it working on my toaster helmet.
Microfiction
Acting Up Again
The Preston family during dinner.
Mom: Kyle, I got an email from Mrs. Smart saying you have been acting up in class again.
Kyle: Mom, you know I view school as an opportunity to advance my movie career. I was just acting.
Mom: There is a difference between acting and acting up. You’re being disruptive. It makes Mrs. Smart’s job harder.
Kyle: Well, if they provided a drama program, I wouldn’t have this problem.
Dad: You’re in the fifth grade.
Kyle: Is it my fault the public education system can’t see my potential and provide me with the proper training tools and environment required for the advancement of my career?
Katie: He is so embarrassing. Are you sure he’s my brother?
Dad: Pretty sure.
Mom: John!
Dad: We’re sure.
Katie: Can Kyle start home-schooling?
Kyle: Can you start Moon-schooling?
Katie: Your face.
Dad: Enough of that.
Kyle: Dad, you’re the one who’s always telling me to follow my dreams.
Dad: Yeah, that was stupid. I meant baseball.
Mom: Listen, Honey. I’m sure we’re all going to be thrilled and proud when you become a famous actor. But for now, why don’t you try acting like you’re a 10-year-old. At least during school hours.
Dad: And finish your steamed vegetables.
Humor
Fortune Cookie Fortunes
My prophetic work
I am probably not supposed to reveal this, but I used to work at a fortune cookie company writing fortunes. I didn’t last long. Apparently, I wasn’t “vague” enough.
Here are some of my “fortunes.”
A couch will fall on you.
You ate too much.
Your lucky number is 1,275,679,479.7
Ask her out. You are both equally boring.
Boats without passengers are lonely boats.
Marry someone else.
Your dog has to pee.
Love is a journey. Wait, I meant love is a Journey song.
Oatmeal up, Dude. You are gonna need it today.
Shrimp don’t like you. Rice isn’t a fan, either.
An act of kindness is never forgotten. For at least five minutes.
If you seek the center of attention, it is the letter “n.”
Hot soup pockets are a dumb clothing business idea.
Go west, young man, then south, then east, then north. Welcome home.
You have no new messages. Don’t bother checking your phone.
Wise men don’t believe in fortune cookies. What does that make you?
Time is too precious to waste. Unless you own a time machine.
The path to fame requires a lot of people knowing who you are.
Made you look. Na na na na na na.
I have an interview with Hallmark tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
Thanks for the smiles. True story: I once got a fortune cookie that said, "You will visit the dentist soon."
The world would be a better place if you had continued in the fortune cookie writing as a side business. But only on the side. Wouldn't want to miss your other stories! You will have fame and fortune in the written word.