The Sugar Glider

Jude, The Animal Expert Dude

Timur Garifov

---

Greetings, urban and suburban-dwelling humans. It is me, Jude, The Animal Expert Dude, back with another look at fascinating creatures in nature that most humans never see. Primarily due to their propensity for clumping together around concrete and steel structures, as well as food trucks.

I have to give you the food trucks one. I can’t tell you how many times I have been lying stealth-like in a swamp or field (wearing my tall grass suit) observing wildlife in its natural habitat, wishing a food truck would roll up and stop.

And I am not the only one. Using AT* (animal telepathy), I have often heard a rhino or lion think, “Man, I would kill for a burrito right now.”

---

*AT is a method of mental communication I developed to telepathically “talk” to animals by staring directly into their eyes. AT is still scoffed at by so-called animal “experts” who spend their days taking the temperatures of zoo animals. But one day, my findings will be accepted by the scientific community, with their fancy diplomas, and I will have the last laugh. Well, me and the hyenas.

---

Anyway, today I will be looking at the delightful Sugar Glider. Southern Aussies, who aren’t too busy hanging out at the beach or cooking shrimp on the barbie, know what I’m talking about. These little dudes make their home in southern Queensland and New South Wales (where I once saw a concert by the “New Tom Jones” which was utter rubbish. I suppose It’s Not Unusual to be disappointed by a copycat, but trust me, his version of What’s New Pussycat made me say, “whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah!”)

The Sugar Glider is essentially a little possum who loves the nightlife and spends it gliding from tree to tree and then performing some sweet acrobatic moves. They are like flying squirrels with better dance moves. One time I brought a boom box into the canopy, rocking a K.C. & The Sunshine Band CD, and let me tell you, it was off the hook. I ripped off my hiking boots and put on my, my, my boogie shoes.

---

Public Domain

---

Scientific names are usually dull, but this little boogie-oogie disco inferno is known in stuffy academic circles — which would be way more fun as drum circles — as Petaurus Breviceps. Which translates from Latin to “short-headed rope-dancer.” I have yet to see one dance with a rope or on a rope. Although I did see one do the rope-a-dope in a rare Sugar Glider boxing match.

Sugar Gliders rarely travel more than an acre from their leafy, twig-filled tree-hollow homes. This is why they were never part of the Miami disco scene in the 1970s. A shame, for sure.

These critters average 9–12 inches from the tip of their nose to the tip of their tail. And they weigh between 4 and 5 ounces. Which would, no doubt, increase if there were some decent food trucks around here.

---

“Sugar Glider” by Vanessa Tuggle-Hake, CC BY 2.0

---

Sugar Gliders have five digits on each foot, including an opposable thumb (always the contrarian) and four fingers that are webbed together. Ruling out the market for Sugar Glider gloves. Mittens work best.

Males have a bald spot in the middle of their forehead, which is actually a scent gland. It sends out stinky signals to attract females, mark their territory, or make their buddies laugh at the Big Hollow Pub. Females have their scent glands in their pouches. Since they don’t carry cell phones, there is plenty of room.

Sugar Gliders typically live nine years in the wild, where they spend almost their entire life in the tree canopy. They don’t like the ground. Probably because they don’t have a decent cobbler in the tree canopy to make tiny shoes.

Sugar Gliders primarily eat bugs, but will eat sap sandwiches when insects are scarce. They also eat eggs, fruit, and fungi. Unfortunately, they haven’t developed omelet-cooking skills yet, which would make the egg-eating experience far better.

If they get a chance, they will eat Starburst Fruit Chews. Something I learned the hard way when I left my backpack open. Their love of sweets is probably the reason they are named Sugar Gliders.

Sugar Gliders live in family groups or colonies, and males often exhibit parental care that is unusual in wildlife, such as teaching their young how to glide in the dark without crashing into bats and how to make an Arcadia seed and pollen smoothie.

There is a growing debate over whether Sugar Gliders should be kept as pets. Using AT, I asked one Sugar Glider what they thought about being kept as a pet. It replied, “Only if there is a food truck within gliding distance.” But he was a wild Sugar Glider, and didn’t know how foolish and unkind humans can be. I showed him Facebook and set him straight.

Sugar Gliders are very cool animals. And excellent dancers. One of the many wonders of nature.

The wild calls, I must go. Until next time.

— Jude, The Animal Expert Dude

Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark