The Sci-Fi Franchises Interview
Category Story • 1
The story you are about to read is completely true. Except for the parts I made up (which are not fiction at all, just imaginary non-fiction. And opinion. There is absolutely none of that silly fiction in this hard-hitting, important story full of valuable life lessons and big ideas.)
My name is Carlton Category. Billionaire entrepreneur. Creator of the world’s most popular podcast, Category Story. Welcome to my life.
Monday Morning
As I do every weekday, I hopped in my Aston Martin DB12 Goldfinger Edition and drove to the studio to do my podcast Category Story. I entered the studio seconds before the record light came on.
Carlton: Welcome to Category Story. I’m Carlton Category. Today’s category is Sci-fi Franchises. Most podcasts attempting to tackle this topic would be lucky to book a secondary star from one of the popular franchises. Not this space cowboy. I will be interviewing the entire cast of both Star Trek and Star Wars. I booked them all, every surviving member from every television series and every film. Every Ewok, every Vulcan, every android, every Romulan. How is that possible, you ask? Category Story is a cultural phenomenon. No one is crazy enough to turn down an invitation to be on the show. Plus, I offered free donuts.
Carlton: Captain Kirk, who do you think was the best Dr. Who?
William Shatner: My name is William Shatner. Kirk was a character I played.
Chris Pine: I played Kirk also. Maybe he was talking to me.
William Shatner: Perhaps he was. But. I think not. The original is always the best.
Paul Wesley: Hey, I’m sitting right here.
Carlton: Alright, forget Dr. Who. Which Captain Kirk would win in a fight?
Chris Pine: You better think hard before you answer, old man.
Yoda: Answer, you must.
Paul Wesley: Yo, I’m sitting right here. Captain James Tiberius Kirk in Strange New Worlds.
Data: I thought there were going to be donuts here. I have scanned the area and am not detecting any fried dough.
Chewbacca: WAGRRRRWWGAHHHWWWRRGGAWWWWRR!
Carlton: Let’s move on. Jean-Luc Picard, who would win in a fight between The Hulk and Professor X?
Patrick Stewart: What? Professor X is a pacifist.
Carlton: All right. Never mind. Can you explain the last episode of Lost to our audience?
Patrick Stewart: No. Do you have any Next Generation or Picard questions?
Darth Vader: The passengers on Oceanic Flight 815 were unable to escape their destiny. They should have joined me and ruled the galaxy. Fools.
C-3PO: Oh my, this is far worse than I expected. Beam me up.
Jabba The Hutt: Achi baki donuts! (I want donuts!)
Zachary Quinto: This show is illogical.
My insightful interviewing continued for the next 55 minutes. Then, I began thanking everyone personally for being on the show. Four hours later, I finished and headed home to check my numbers online. The show was a massive success despite being what one troll described as “The stupidest thing in the Universe. Kirk out.” Clips were exploding on Instagram, and Twitter (or whatever they call it now) went crazy!
I was offered a role in the next Star Trek film. Unfortunately, I had already committed to filling in for Justin Timberlake on the next NSYNC tour. I simply couldn’t let those 30 and 40-something women down. They would be crushed. However, I did take a role in the next Star Wars film, tentatively titled Star Wars: Doing The Carlton.
I told the producers and director I could also do The Robot, but they said they had plenty of robots and had something else in mind for me. I am not allowed to say what the role is, but I can tell you it will not be a hobbit. Oops! Spoiler.
Tuesday Morning
I hopped in my Aston Martin DB12 Goldfinger Edition and drove to the airport to catch my flight to London. I had to do some promotion for Category Story: the UK version. We are looking for a suitable host. And I needed to meet with some candidates, who I am not at liberty to reveal. Actually, I could if I wanted to. I do own the show. But no spoilers, soon-to-be CSUK fans. You will just have to wait. It is going to be bigger than the next Dr. Who reveal. I promise you that.
After my interviews, I decided to take a quick swim across the English Channel. I like to exercise when I travel to stay fit. Halfway across, I ran into a yellow submarine. Literally.
The man who sailed it gave me a ride back, and I invited him to come on my show. His name is Captain Starkey. He said he was also a train conductor for a while.
I am looking forward to that interview.
But I had to get back to America, where I was scheduled to start working on my one-man show featuring abstract paintings of myself ballet dancing to the music I composed for my TikTok play You Ain’t Gonna Influence Me.
When I got to the States, I hopped in my Aston Martin DB12 Goldfinger Edition and drove to the studio to record my latest episode of Category Story.
Carlton: Welcome to Category Story. I’m Carlton Category. Today’s category is New Wave Music. That’s right. Break out the skinny ties; we are bringing back the 1980s.
As I was delighting my fans with insightful anecdotes about synthesizers in 80s music, I got handed a sheet of paper.
Carlton: Hold it. This just in. Culture Club was not really a club about culture. It was a New Wave band whose biggest hit was about a lizard who got what was coming to him.
Whew! That one hit me like A Flock of Seagulls. Which actually happened to me at the beach. I forgot my stash of vintage 1960s Coppertone suntan lotion, so I rubbed a bag of crushed Cheetos all over my body to block the sun. The next thing I knew, a huge flock of seagulls came diving right at me. I ran. I ran so far away. I just ran. I ran all night and day. I couldn’t get away. Lesson learned.
Carlton: Does anyone else wish the band The Cars had played Gary Newman’s song Cars? It would have been incredible in the Pixar movie Cars. Why not? The band Bad Company did a song called Bad Company. Pretty shrewd marketing, if you ask me.
I dazzled everyone with my musical knowledge for another half hour, then wrapped the episode up.
Carlton: Coming soon on Category Story, I will be reuniting the cast of Friends—again. And I promise to say “pivot” at least fifty times. Until then, adios mon amico.
With the show wrapped, I hopped in my Aston Martin DB12 Goldfinger Edition and drove to my side gig as the CEO of the tech company Mr. Roboto’s Most Excellent Tech.
To be continued.
In case you are curious, this is the Aston Martin DB12 Goldfinger Edition:
They are only going to produce sixty of them (one for each year since the first Bond film), so you better get your order in soon. Best guesses are, they are going to cost over £300,000.
https://www.astonmartin.com/en-us/models/db12-goldfinger
In case you missed the reference:
Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
I had to look up Paul Wesley (we don’t subscribe to Paramount+) but if I had just been patient I could have let you explain. Oh well!
Last year (whoops! Sorry, make that “in 2023” — still getting used to the new year) this would have been an exaggeration for effect, but now, alas, it’s more “what Elon would be like if he stayed on his meds”… 😐
You had me ( and Mr Data ) at "free donuts." Really, that was the funniest first line I have ever read. Hilarious interview. Rollicking good fun. But... about that Cheetos body rub thing...? No, Mark -- No. The Flock of Seagulls reference was not lost on me. A 17-year-old lead guitarist and the coolest bass player.