Mr. Rude In A Can
Time Changes Things • Planting The Flag
One Minute Wit
Time Changes Things
When I was growing up,
people were a lot younger than they are now.
Flash Fiction
Planting The Flag
On a new planet
They had crossed several galaxies searching for a new home when the small planet appeared on the monitor. It seemed like a good candidate. The ship dropped into orbit and prepared to land.
As it burned through the atmosphere, the ship’s braking system malfunctioned, and they crashed hard on the ground ripping the ship apart. Will was thrown from the ship and knocked unconscious.
When he awoke, Will looked at the ship’s wreckage and realized he was the only survivor, all alone and stuck on an alien planet. Will tried to stand up, but his leg was broken. He saw their flag lying on the ground and crawled toward it.
Will somehow managed to sit up despite the pain in his leg. He grabbed the flag and jammed it into the ground. Then he took off his helmet and laid on his back.
Just before he passed out again, Will looked up at the sky. A man wearing a feather headdress looked down at him.
This story was based on an Along The Hudson prompt. But I couldn’t cut my idea down to fifty words. So here it is, unedited.
Prompt: Write a fifty-word story (fiction, poem, or work of CNF) incorporating freedom, liberty, or a flag.
Humor
Mr. Rude In A Can
The politeness solution
Mr. Rude In A Can is a device for those raised in the pre-Internet era when conversations took place face to face, and you were expected to be polite to the person you were talking to.
Many people are able to shake this social nicety online and can freely berate people and call them idiots when they are not looking directly at them. But suppose you happen to have an actual conversation with a real human being face to face. You may revert back to your old upbringing and have to suffer through a whole conversation without saying anything rude or mean.
Not anymore!
Mr. Rude In A Can is cleverly disguised and appears to be a regular can of soda pop that anyone who enjoys a refreshing drink on the go might have with them. But in reality, it is a portable PA system with pre-recorded statements for all occasions that you can use to be rude without actually saying the words yourself.
For example, let’s say you are talking to someone, and the conversation is rather dull. You simply say, “Excuse me, I am a little parched,” and then open the soda [wink-wink] can lid.
It will instantly blast out:
“YOU ARE BORING! YOU SHOULD GET A MONKEY!”
Or if someone won’t stop talking about themselves, open the can, and it says:
“YOU ARE AWESOME! KISS ME! KISS ME! OR I’LL DIE!”
Or if someone just had an egg and onion sandwich and a coffee for lunch, pop the lid, and the can says:
“DO YOU SMELL A DEAD HAMSTER? WAIT, IT’S YOUR BREATH! NURSE. A TANKER OF MOUTHWASH. STAT!”
Don’t waste time being nice to people. Use Mr. Rude In A Can and get back to your life online.
User Reviews:
I took mine to work. It worked like a charm. I never liked working there anyway. — Unemployed in New York
It works great when you want to watch the game on TV, and your wife keeps yakking at you. — Now Single And Loving It Larry
My girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents. So I brought Mr. Rude In A Can as a joke. I laughed until I cried. My girlfriend just cried. — Looking for love in Arizona
How rude! — Stephanie Tanner (Full House)
Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
User Review:
I brought mine to court. Inmate # 1743981
I've never taken part in any social media, other than the wonderful social opportunities that come along with being a Substack writer, but I sure would like to buy one of those cans of Mr Rude, Mark. By any chance, can I program it with whatever I want to say? I want one that says, "Get over yourself" and "Could you please go home now, I need a nap." and " How about YOU bringing the beer next time?" The reviews were hilarious!