Monday Morning Mark • 84

The Crime And The Punishment • The Perfect Couple • Countryside • Dynamite

Mark Starlin

Apr 4

One Minute Wit

The Crime And The Punishment

I woke up this morning and to my amazement, I was wearing an orange jumpsuit.

I thought “Orange is not my color.” Then I started wondering how and why I was wearing it.

Suddenly, two large men in uniform grabbed me by the arms and led me into another room.

In the room was a huge desk with a judge in full robes behind it. Without delay, he said, “Mr. Starlin, you stand accused of living in suburbia, in a small house with lots of trees and bushes in the yard. How do you plead?”

Not having any big-time lawyers to help me deny the truth, I simply said, “Guilty, your honor.”

He smiled and said, “Upon your confession, I sentence you to four hours of yard work to begin immediately.”

“Oh, Mr. Starlin. One more thing… See you next week.”

Microfiction

The Perfect Couple

“It seems like I waited forever for you, my love. You are unlike any other woman I have met. I knew the second I met you that I wanted to marry you.”

“When I first met you, I fell hard. There was something about you I couldn’t resist. Sure, drowning sailors was satisfying for a time. It’s my mermaid nature, after all. But now, I only want to spend eternity with you, my darling.”

“A quick bite on the neck, and you can.”

Doodle

Countryside

Nothing like a walk in the country.

I used to doodle a lot as a kid. When I got an iPad and an Apple pencil (as an old kid), I started doodling again. It’s not great art, just drawing for fun.

Vintage Poster Story

Dynamite

Wall photo: Dave Webb • Movie Poster: Public Domain

It’s hard to find the time to watch all those great old vintage movies. But have no fear. I am here to give you a synopsis* of the story so you can join in on the discussion if the movie ever comes up in a conversation.

Trudy had no idea she was going to be kidnapped. She had just purchased a beautiful pink gown for the gala ball that night and she wanted to show it to her best friend Laurena. She wore the gown to the diner where Laurena was working a shift as a waitress. When Laurena saw Trudy she said, “You look dynamite!” Neither of them realized that Joey Bustedknuckles, who was sitting in a nearby booth enjoying a slice of apple pie, had overheard their conversation.

Joey had fallen on hard times. He was a mechanic, but not a very good one. He had a habit of making cars run worse than when they came into the shop. He was also surprisingly stupid for a mechanic, or a human in general. His boss had just fired him and he was spending his last two bits on dinner. Overhearing Trudy and Laurena’s conversation gave Joey an idea.

Joey decided he would pull a bank job. He knew the safe at First City Bank was located on the outer wall next to the alley, so he figured he could blast his way through the wall and make off with the loot. But dynamite was hard to come by. Joey figured, if this dame really was dynamite, he was all set.

Joey followed Trudy to the ball that night and when she headed to the powder room to freshen up, he nabbed her. He scooped her up in his arms and carried her out of the building. It probably looked romantic to some onlookers. Those who weren’t close enough to see the terror in Trudy’s eyes. And those not close enough to hear her shouting, “Put me down! Your greasy hands will ruin my gown!”

Joey carried her to the alley behind the bank, which was conveniently located across the street from the ballroom. As he set Trudy against the wall, one of the straps on her gown broke revealing her left clavicle and a considerable amount of her womanly features.

Joey was too desperate for money to notice. He stuck a fuse in her mouth and lit it. Trudy spit out the fuse and said, “I’m not dynamite, you idiot.” Then she punched him in his manly features and he collapsed to the pavement. Seconds later, her date Randolph arrived on the scene prepared for a bout of fisticuffs.

Officer McConnell, who was attending the ball on security detail witnessed the abduction from across the room and was right behind Randolph. He grabbed Joey and hustled him off to the station.

Randolph helped Trudy up and said, “Are you alright, my darling?”

“I am well, my dear. Only, I fear my gown is ruined.”

“Perhaps, but if you ask my opinion, you look dynamite.”

*There is a chance I might have made up this synopsis. About a 100% chance, actually. Keep that in mind when discussing the film.