Monday Morning Mark • 83
Basic Principles Of Science • Layla Was Ahead of Her Time • Jr. Reporter Max Headline Reporting From Funkytown
One Minute Wit
Basic Principles Of Science
You may not know
It’s funny how some basic principles of science seem to elude most people.
For example: if you look up when it’s snowing and let a snowflake land directly on your eye, you will then be able to see in the dark with the lights on.
Yet most people don’t realize it.
Microfiction
Layla Was Ahead of Her Time
With dreams far, far, away
Layla was a dreamer who loved fashion and film. Her best friend, Helen, remarked, “I love Layla, but she always has her head in the clouds. Some of her ideas, honestly.”
Layla was obsessed with Flash Gordon and started writing futuristic stories. One told of a movie crew in the distant future making movies about spacemen in their distant future. The spacemen had shaggy hair that covered their ears, and the spacewomen had huge cinnamon roll hair buns.
Layla tried to sell her stories to movie studios. They laughed. Forty years later, in 1977, Layla saw Star Wars and cried.
The photo included with this story is of an actual young woman. But the story I wrote for her is complete fiction (probably.) The New York Public Library captioned the photo: Cajun girl at National Rice Festival, Crowley, Louisiana. 1938. Photographer Lee Russell.
Does anyone still have Rice Festivals? I love rice!
Humorous Fiction Based On Disco Song Titles
Jr. Reporter Max Headline Reporting From Funkytown
It’s summer. The heat is oppressive. Any kid worth their salt is in a pool. Where am I? My parents just dropped me off at my Grandmother’s. They said I need to spend some quality time with Granny because We Are Family. I am eight years old — almost nine — I know a snow job when I hear one.
I let my parents hold on to the illusion that they tricked me. They’re old. They need little victories in their lives. Plus Granny lets me stay up late watching movies and eat whatever I want. I just wish she had a pool. It’s as hot as a Disco Inferno outside.
Granny lives in one of those senior-only communities. In a Brick House. Granny’s community is an unusual one. Its official name is Pleasant Ridge, but most people here call it Funkytown. Most of the residents were in their prime during the late 1970s and now take reminiscing about the disco years to an obsessive degree.
Every Wednesday evening, after dinner, the community holds a regular 6:00 Disco Party. Granny won’t miss it. I humor her and go along. It is oddly entertaining watching gray-haired old folks try to dance like a young John Travolta. Plus, the Bee Gees’ music is timeless.
I am only allowed to stay here for five days. Community rules. So I need to make the most of my time. First on the list is a grocery store run. Granny barely keeps enough food in the house for a hummingbird on a diet, so we need to stock up. Popcorn, chips, salsa, cereal, cookies, donuts, tater tots, taco stuff, cinnamon rolls, soda pop, ice cream. The usual dietary staples a growing boy needs. My motto is Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough.
Next is a Redbox stop to rent a bunch of movies. Sure, Granny has Netflix, but I have seen pretty much everything on it. Of course, I’ll have to humor Granny and watch her original Star Wars trilogy on DVD again. But she usually nods off during the first half-hour, and I fast forward to the end. Then I wake her up and say, “Granny you nodded off again. It’s over.” She always replies, “Oh my. I must have had a touch of Night Fever and dozed off.”
My parent had just sped away, and I said, “Granny, it’s time to hit the grocery store.” She put on her Boogie Shoes, and we headed out. We made a quick stop at the Car Wash. Granny likes a clean car. Unfortunately, the senior’s martial arts class at the Y.M.C.A. had just let out, and Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting in the street. Granny stopped the car. I got out to try to clear the road when an octogenarian tried to Ring My Bell. I easily ducked under his glacial-speed karate chop and said, “Not quick enough, Grasshopper.”
Granny saw me almost get hit and came running. I didn’t know she could move so fast. She yelled, “Now you’ve gone too far, Charley O. Crow,” and whacked him on the head with her purse. He went down. I was a little concerned, but he shook his head and said, “Wow, You Really Dropped A Bomb On Me.”
“You deserved it,” Granny said.
“I guess I did. Sorry, Lad, I got carried away.”
“No problem. Are you alright?” I asked.
“I Will Survive.”
With the commotion over, we got back in the car and continued our journey to the grocery store. The mob in the street headed to the pharmacy for Bengay and aspirin. I looked at granny and said, “The road is clear. There Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now.”
After binge eating and watching movies all Monday and Tuesday, I was ready for some action. I said, “You know what tonight is, Granny?”
“Ladies Night?”
“Stop your Jive Talkin’. You know it’s time to Shake Your Groove Thing.”
“That’s right. Are you ready to (Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty?”
“You know it. Next stop, Boogie Wonderland.”
Granny may be old, be she’s still a Dancing Queen.
We headed to the community clubhouse, also known as The Copacabana.
As we walked in, the room was sparkling with lights reflecting off the disco ball hanging from the ceiling. All I could think was, I Love The Nightlife. The dance floor was alive with seniors trying to Boogie Oogie Oogie. I knew we were in for some Good Times. Then suddenly the music stopped.
“Dadgum it!” Charley Crow said. “The turntable is broke.”
Figuring I need to drag this group into the 21st century, I said, “Don’t Freak Out. Hand me your phone, Charley.” He did. “What’s this? Anyone here not have a flip phone?”
Granny said, “Your Dad got me an iPhone for Christmas. I haven’t set it up yet, though.”
“Awesome. Pass it here, Granny.”
Luckily the P.A. was from this century. So I connected via Bluetooth, went on Apple Music, and selected a Disco playlist. The music started pulsing through the speakers again, and I said, “Let’s Groove!”
Old man Tucker said, “That’s The Way I Like It, whippersnapper.”
Roberta Orchestrator, head of the entertainment committee, shouted, “Play That Funky Music, White Boy!” Everyone says Roberta has a Heart Of Glass. I’m not sure what that means. But I hope it doesn’t shatter tonight.
We boogied until close to 7:30. By then, most of the crowd was spent. So we went back home.
Thursday Granny took me to Charley O. Crow’s house. On the way, I said, “I thought you were mad at Charley?”
“I can’t stay mad at Charley. He’s just a big kid.”
“Are you sweet on him?”
“Stop being ridiculous. I am doing this for you.”
We arrived and walked around back. To my delight, there was an in-ground pool!
“Surprise!” Granny yelled.
It was the watershed moment of my week. I had a personal Celebration, until I noticed the yellow-haired girl standing next to Charley.
Charley walked over and said, “I sure am sorry about almost hitting you the other day. I was in the zone and not thinking clearly.”
“No harm done. How’s your head?”
“Just a little knot on top. No biggie. This is my granddaughter, Emma.”
Normally, I don’t associate with members of the female species outside of a classroom setting, but I couldn’t pass up a chance to go swimming. So I said, “Greetings, Emma. I am Max Headline, Jr. Reporter for The West Willow Elementary School News.”
She said, “I like unicorns.”
“Alright. I can work with that. Just don’t Rock The Boat.”
It was a great afternoon of swimming. Emma turned out to be fun, not the Super Freak I thought she was going to be. And Charley cooked hot dogs on the grill.
Friday, my parents came to pick me up. As we were leaving, I gave Granny a big hug.
My mother asked, “Aren’t you going to say goodbye?”
“I Never Can Say Goodbye to Granny. Besides, a hug says it all.”
Jr. Reporter Max Headline, signing off from Funkytown.
Jr. Reporter Max Headline is the grandson of renowned journalist Max Headline.
Happy Monday.
Mark
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Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
I see what you did there because I am extremely intelligent when it comes to science.
Layla Was Ahead of Her Time is a delightfully fun story.