Rainforest Survival Tips • Jaguars
The Sands Of Time • Car Rental Companies • The Ghost And The Writer
One Minute Wit
Rainforest Survival Tips • Jaguars
Jude The Animal Expert Dude
To survive in a rainforest, it is important to remember that when you are being chased by a jaguar, jumping in a piranha-infested river is no help.
Jaguars are excellent swimmers.
— Jude The Animal Expert Dude
50-Word Story
The Sands Of Time
I have a friend who was an obsessive coin collector.
He said it was getting too expensive.
I suggested he collect something free, like sand.
Pleased, he drove to the beach to get his first bucket full.
I visited him recently. I had to ride a camel.
Two Old Guys On A Park Bench
Car Rental Companies
That’s bad business.
Story
The Ghost And The Writer
A Not-So-Scary Ghost Story
One afternoon at the local ghost hangout…
“How is the new resident, Wilbur?”
“Terrible. I haven’t been able to scare him at all.”
“Really? What have you tried?”
“I started with some creepy oooh-ing at midnight.”
“Ah, the classics. That usually works.”
“Not on this guy.”
“What else?”
“I did the painting with eyes that follow you around.”
“Ha, ha! I love that one. It’s a slow-burner. They aren’t sure if they are actually seeing it happen.”
“He just waved.”
“Hmm. Did you try the empty rocking chair trick?”
“I did. His cat jumped off the chair and hid under the bed. But he just laughed.”
“That’s rough.”
“I was furious. I started flicking the light switch on and off so fast it looked like a strobe light. The guy had the nerve to get up and do some disco moves.”
“No way.”
“Yeah. Then he said, ‘Dude, you are going to have to do better than that. I grew up reading Stephen King and watching slasher flicks.’”
“Those suburban kids are the worst.”
“Yup.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Probably move. It’s no fun living there now.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Will.”
After packing up his ghost stuff, Wilbur decided to tell the man he was leaving. Direct verbal communication with the living is usually frowned on — outside of the standard guttural howling of “Get out!” But Wilbur was defeated, and he didn’t care. So he floated into the man’s study and spoke to him ghost to man.
“I’m Wilbur, the ghost that used to haunt this house. Since you obviously won’t be scared, I’m moving on. I just thought you should know.”
“Hi, Wilbur. I’m Jonathan. I’ve been hoping you would reveal yourself. I bought this house because of the rumors of it being haunted. I’m a writer. It is crazy hard to make a name for yourself writing horror. I was hoping I could hire you as a consultant.”
“A consultant?”
“Yeah. You know all about being a ghost. I have no clue. Only what I have read by living writers who were using their imagination. I want the real story.”
“How would you pay me? Money is worthless to me.”
“I have a long list of people I would love to scare. Let’s team up. It will be fun. And I think I can help you with some scaring methods I picked up while reading horror novels.”
Wilbur thought about the offer for a moment.
“Why not? It’s a deal.”
“Great. Wanna watch The Shining?”
“No thanks. It freaks me out.”
Happy Monday.
Mark
Everyone is a keeper. Hiring a ghost to consult on horror fiction--genius.
Thanks for the laughs, Mark. Your stories are always fun to read.