Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of The Lost Woman
A Boring Life • The Secret Winter Orange Tree
One Minute Wit
A Boring Life
Revitalized
People sometimes tell me that my life is a bore.
I tell them,
“Jump back, Jack. Not any more.
I got a turtle.”
Stock Photo Stories
The Secret Winter Orange Tree
That wasn’t worth it
Chelsea and Tony were so excited about finding the Secret Winter Orange Tree,
that they didn’t hear the snowplow with the sleepy driver behind them.
Stock Photo Stories give you the real stories behind the photos. That I might have made up.
Story
Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of The Lost Woman
-1880-
Hollister Bootstone was a man of action. Which meant he occasionally found himself in a difficult situation. This was one of those times. It involved a woman.
“Oh, hello there. My name is Elizabeth Newintown. I am afraid I’m a little lost. I was hoping to visit my cousin Rebecca. It is a beautiful day so I walked to her farm from town. It’s not that far. But oddly, Rebecca wasn’t home. I don’t know where she might have gotten off to. The animals were all out and there were clothes hanging on the line. I think I even smelled food cooking, but it must have been my imagination.
“My imagination can get the best of me at times. My Pa used to say my head is always in the clouds. He would say, ‘How are you going to get a husband when you are always daydreaming?’ I reckon he’s got a point. I don’t know why, but my mind wanders. I will go for a walk with a nice fellow and I end up thinking about where butterflies are going or wondering what it is like to fly like a bird. I guess I am not very good at courting.
“I try, but men don’t seem to want to talk to me. It is a bit of a mystery. I think I am attractive enough. I have seen plenty of other women who, to put it kindly, are a little plainer than me, yet they got good husbands. I always dress nice and make sure I am clean. I can play the piano and I know how to cook. I can bake an apple pie that will make your mouth water. My Pa loves my cooking.
“Then one day, my Pa just up and said, ‘Elizabeth, you need to go visit your cousin Rebecca. Here is a ticket and some money. I wrote Rebecca and she said she would fix you up with some prospects for marriage. There’s lots of men in those parts and not nearly as many women. Surely you can find a suitable man with her help.’
“Well, I was a little surprised, I can tell you that. And felt a little like he was trying to get rid of me. But I know that can’t be the case. He’s my Pa. I been living with him for 22 years. I cook for him, and clean, and we have lots of long talks. I am sure he is just looking out for my welfare and trying to do what’s best for me.
“I have to say it has been quite an adventure so far. I had a wonderful train ride and met many friendly passengers. We had such wonderful conversations on the train. Then I got to ride in a stagecoach. I had never been in a stagecoach before. The ride was bumpier than I thought it was going to be. But I guess the people around here are used to it. About an hour into the ride, the three other passengers all fell asleep. All at the same time. One right after the other. It was peculiar. I don’t know how they could sleep with all that bumping going on. Plus, I was right in the middle of a story about how I used to spend weekends with my grandmother on her farm. It is one of my favorite stories.
“So I asked the stagecoach driver if I could ride with him. That was fun. But about a half-hour later he said I had to get back inside the stagecoach. He said we were entering a dangerous section of the trail and it was for my own good. We stopped and I got back in the stagecoach. And would you believe it, everyone was still asleep. And they slept the entire rest of the trip! People sure get tired out here.
“Which I can understand. Farming and ranching are hard work. People just seem to be busier around here. Back home neighbors used to sit on the porch and sip lemonade and talk and talk and talk. Folks around here always seem to have some chore that needs doing. It’s hard to find time to just sit and chat.
“That’s the way of the west, I suppose. I imagine I will adjust. And I suppose once I’m married, I will have plenty of chores that need doing around the house. And if I get blessed with children, they will require a lot of time and attention, no doubt. I will probably be just as busy as most folks around here.
“Anyway, as I was saying, I was heading back into town and I think I took a wrong turn, or took the wrong trail. I was getting a little worried, being all alone, but then I saw you. What a relief that was. You look like a kindly soul. I wonder if you might be available to show me the way back to town. I sure would appreciate it. In fact, I would be happy to bake you an apple pie sometime for your trouble. I am sure Rebecca will let me use her stove. What do you say?”
Hollister looked at Elizabeth and said, “Ma’am, I’d be right pleased to accompany you back to town. Just as soon as I figure out how to get this dead buffalo off my legs.”
Such was life, somewhere in the old west.
This story began as a goofy quote by Hollister Bootstone that I posted on Facebook a few years ago:
“Ma’am, I’d be right pleased to accompany you back to town. Just as soon as I figure out how to get this dead buffalo off my legs.”
I got the idea to make it into a story by telling the woman’s tale. Then I got the idea that the woman would be very talkative, building up to Hollister’s reply.
Once I started writing Elizabeth’s part, it just started pouring out. I wrote it non-stop in one sitting. I wish I had more days like that. Maybe if I lived somewhere in the old west…
Happy Monday.
Mark
I remember this Old West tale! Glad you gave it circulation again.
I loved everything about Hollister Bootstone. His line is hilarious at the end. 🤣