One Minute Wit
Dear Neighbors
Good news!
Dear Neighbors;
I have some great news!
I recently took up the tuba. I have been practicing like crazy. I hope to become a virtuoso soon, so I plan to start practicing my tuba on my front porch six hours a day between the hours of 11 pm and 5 am when it’s cooler out.
For some reason, my wife thinks I play better outside. Maybe it’s the fresh air. I am not sure, but I am following her advice.
I was a little concerned about what you all might think about my tuba playing. But I’ve improved quite a bit recently. And hey, who doesn’t love a good tuba song — or forty?
I will be taking requests soon.
Thanks.
Mark
Valentine’s Day Help
Help For The Unpoetic Man
A Royalty-Free Valentine Poem
Most men can’t write romantic poetry. So I have created a royalty-free valentine's poem that you can use as your own. Free of charge. Just fill in her name at the beginning, and you’re good to go.
My darling ___________
Your facial arrangement is more than acceptable.
Normal men are intimidated by your beauty. Fortunately, I am not normal.
Your eyes pierce my heart with nuclear force, melting the flesh off my skeleton, leaving a crispy, barely beating heart flopping about, easily squashed by passing vehicles or pedestrians.
Your voice is more melodious than a thousand songbirds trapped in a cave by unrelenting winter gales before they could fly south. I would bottle the sound if the sound was willing to be put in a bottle and sealed with a synthetic cork. Alas, this is not currently possible with today’s bottling technology. Perhaps a digital recorder would suffice to capture the music of your words, but only if a 96 kHz sampling rate was used.
Your character is as flawless as a diamond carved in the vacuum of space by the most advanced alien diamond cutter of all time on the best cutting day of their life which exceeded the quality of their previous best day by a thousand times.
I would gladly allow a giant sequoia tree to fall on me if it would grant me your attention for the half-second before I am crushed.
Do you like me? Check Yes___ or No___.
You’re welcome.
Bunny Blog
Why I Got A Cat
Humans say pets are good for you. They claim they are calming and provide companionship. Being a lonely, nervous bunny, I thought a pet would be just the ticket.
I disguised myself as a human—I have no desire to go back into a cage—and downloaded a bunch of pre-recorded human answers on my phone. Then I visited a pet store. I asked the pet store owner for some advice.
He said, “How about a fish?”
I don’t get it. All fish do is swim and float around in the water. I’d rather watch squirrels.
“No thank you. I want something more exciting,” I played back on my phone.
“What about a snake?”
Seriously, Dude? Have you ever seen Mutual Of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom? I want to get a pet, not become dinner.
“No thank you. Snakes creep me out.”
“Well, how about a Guinea Pig?”
Do I really want a Mini-Me?
“No. I don’t want a cage or aquarium pet. I want a free-roaming pet.”
“A dog then?”
“That sounds good.”
I tried a dog. He was too big for my bunny house. And I couldn’t open the door to the human house to let him out. I hopped and hopped, but it was no use. It was painful for both of us. And walking him was a disaster. I was holding his leash and hopping, and he took off pulling me through the air like a kite. I took him back.
“It looks like a cat then.” The pet store owner said.
“Let’s do this,” my phone replied.
He showed me an older cat and said, “Older cats make better pets. They are calmer and don’t scratch up everything like a kitten.”
I took the cat home. Fortunately, I speak fluent cat.
“Just throw some food and water in a couple of dishes and scoop out the cat litter regularly and I’m good to go,” the cat said.
“Cool.”
It is working out great. Most days we hang out on the couch and watch Game Of Thrones on TV.
“Humans are weird,” the cat said.
“True. But dragons are cool,” I replied.
“Don’t get any ideas.”
“Ha, ha. We’re good.”
Humans were right. Pets are good things.
Happy Monday.
Mark
This brightened my day.
The poem made me laugh out loud! I’m going to tuck it away for now, but I may use it in the future. 🤣😉