Being Still
The Retirement Toast • Dreaming Too Big
One Minute Wit
The Retirement Toast
It was Tim’s retirement party. Everyone loved Tim, and the whole company was there to celebrate. Thirty-eight years is a long time to work at one place, but Tim loved his work and the time flew by.
Being one of Tim’s colleagues and his closest friend, I was asked to give a short speech. I obliged.
“Some people just get better with age. They get smarter, kinder, wiser, and more caring. And even though they are getting older, they still remain young at heart. It really makes you want to spend time with them. You know you will be creating cherished memories. Or picking up some nugget of wisdom. Or laughing at some ridiculous story. Or enjoying a smile.
“But enough about me. I’m here to toast my good friend Tim.
“Here’s to Tim! Happy retirement, buddy.”
After the speech, Tim smiled, got up, walked over to me, and punched me in the stomach.
100-Word Story
Dreaming Too Big
Joey had always dreamed of setting a world record and becoming famous. Unfortunately, breaking world records is hard.
Then it happened. No one believed it was possible, but The Atlantic Ocean froze solid all the way across. Joey knew it was his chance. He would be the first man to cross the Atlantic by snowmobile.
Joey pulled the snowmobile out of the garage and took off blazing across the now frozen ocean.
After two days, Joey realized he had underestimated his fuel needs. It looked like he would have to walk. Then he realized it was getting considerably warmer out.
Island Of Phiddle Story
Being Still
On The Island Of Phiddle
By Phineas Phiddlephaddle
-1905-
On the island of Phiddle there lived a young man by the name of Jimmy Toocalm. Jimmy was a master at being still. Once he sat perfectly still on a log for so long, a bluebird built a nest on his head. The bird was none too pleased when Jimmy rose and walked away with his new family home. Jimmy quickly made amends by placing the nest in a tree with a pleasant view of the ocean and offering the bird a large quantity of Phiddleberrys.
Most folks found Jimmy’s proclivity for immobility a particularly odd pastime. Before his penchant for stillness was well known, more than one Phiddle resident saw Jimmy laying immobile in a field and thought he had expired. They were rightly dismayed and then equally startled when he spoke up and informed them he was indeed alive. Jimmy was on the receiving end of a few choice words after that, I can assure you.
But soon his abilities were old hat. He was like a statue in the town center that everyone except the birds ignored. Jimmy felt his gift was underappreciated. While being highly skilled at being still may be an admirable trait in children, it is rarely lucrative. Jimmy made the difficult decision to leave the island of Phiddle.
He knew there were only two cities that would appreciate his unique talent, Paris and New York. He chose New York. Professor Tinkerhoffer regularly flew his hot-air balloon there to procure invention supplies, and he agreed to take Jimmy on his next trip. The professor was initially happy to have company on the journey, then became justifiably angered when Jimmy remained motionless and silent the entire trip.
Upon arrival in New York, Jimmy thanked the professor and set out to make his fortune confident that the cultured folks of New York City would be able to appreciate his unique gift. He got a flat in an artsy neighborhood and enjoyed being around other creative people. Soon, however, he noticed that none of the artsy folk were very wealthy. In fact, most of them were quite poor. Which made sense. If they were wealthy, they wouldn’t live in the run-down, ramshackle flats that abounded in their neighborhood.
The only one who ever seemed to have any cash on hand was a musician named Freddy Trainstop. Jimmy asked Freddy how he earned his money.
Freddy said, “That’s an easy answer, mate. I’m a busker.”
“What’s a busker?” Jimmy asked.
“Ah, you must be new to the city. A busker is someone who performs for tips. I play my banjo and sing in the park, and people leave coins in my case.”
With nothing to lose, Jimmy gave busking a try. He stood immobile in the park for four days straight, but only got odd looks and four cents for his efforts.
As he walked back to his flat deciding how to spend his last four cents, he passed by Macy’s. He looked in the display window and saw a mannequin. A brilliant, although quite unethical idea popped into his mind.
The following day, near closing time, Jimmy casually entered Macy’s department store and browsed the men’s clothing department. He picked out a fine new suit and proceeded to the dressing room. After putting on the suit, he walked back to the men’s department. When no one was looking he did what he does best and stood perfectly still. He made a fine-looking mannequin. Several customers passed by and none were the wiser.
Before long it was closing time, and the store emptied. Except for Jimmy. Jimmy waited until dark, then lit a candle and wandered the store looking for valuables. He collected several expensive pocket watches from the men’s department and then went to the lady’s jewelry section. There he found a jewelry case with several large diamond rings in it. Jackpot!, he thought.
“Don’t waste your time. They’re fake.”
The voice startled Jimmy, and he dropped the candle. He quickly picked it back up and looked around but saw no one. Only some mannequins. He wondered. No, it couldn’t be. He walked closer to one of the mannequins. It spoke again.
“That’s right, Doll. I’m alive,” the mannequin said. Only it wasn’t truly a mannequin. It was Betsy Posestriker. “I saw you in the park. You’re good. How long have you been practicing motionlessness?” she said.
“As long as I can remember. I started as a boy,” Jimmy replied.
“I figured. No one gets as still as you did without dedication. My name’s Betsy.”
“I’m Jimmy. You are quite good as well.”
“Thanks, Love. So you plan to clean out the store tonight?”
“It was my intention. But I am happy to share. There is enough for both of us.”
“That’s a fool’s plan. You do that and tomorrow night this place will be crawling with security guards. Sure, you could hit several stores, but word gets around. And how are you going to fence those watches and jewels you’re taking?”
“I hadn’t thought about that. I guess I would pawn them,” Jimmy replied.
“No legitimate pawnbroker is going to buy expensive watches from the likes of you. They will know they were stolen. You will get caught.”
“What do you suggest?”
“I like you. You got talent. And you’re smart enough to listen to reason. And seeing how we are birds of a feather, I am going to let you be my partner. Working together we can get rich. Filthy, stinking rich like them bankers living in their penthouses. But we gotta be smart about it. We only take one item per store and we hit a different store each night. They will chalk it up to shoplifting, or inventory errors, or employee theft. I already got a fence I been working with for six months.”
Jimmy was a little dumbfounded. And a little in love. He took Betsy up on her offer.
Betsy’s plan worked flawlessly. Jimmy and Betsy got rich. They spent years living in a penthouse overlooking the park. Occasionally, Jimmy would still go busking. Not for money, but for the love of stillness.
Eventually, homesickness got the best of Jimmy and he moved back to the island of Phiddle. He took his bride Betsy with him. Betsy loved her new home and soon fit right in. She learned to make Phiddleberry jam and became renowned across the island for her Phiddleberry pie. Most folks said it was the best they ever tasted.
Jimmy and Betsy started spending their money on things that needed doing on Phiddle. They put up a new barn for old man Plowhand. They built a fire station and had a fire wagon shipped in from New York. Jimmy became the captain of the new volunteer fire department. They bought school supplies and new desks for the school. They were generous beyond any expectation.
When folks on Phiddle asked them how they could afford such things — a legitimate question, seeing how they spent most of their day standing motionless instead of working — Jimmy would tell them the story of their thievery in New York. And that they moved to Phiddle to escape justice. To which Betsy always replied, “Nonsense. My Daddy made a fortune in the stock market. I inherited it when he passed.”
Whether Jimmy or Betsy was telling the truth, no one can confidently say. It remains one of the many mysteries on the island of Phiddle.
Happy Monday.
Mark
I feel for Joey...
👍 on all three this Monday, Mark!
Pity I’m already retired, so I can’t use that speech…