Monday Morning Mark • 64
Married Talk • Gutenberg’s Big Idea • It’s Not Unusual • Tarzan And The Amazons
One Minute Wit
“So if the neutrinos that were shot from CERN in Geneva to Gran Sasso in Italy arrived 60 nanoseconds faster than light did, then time travel is totally possible.
Which, of course, opens up the possibilities of really fast pizza delivery.”
Historically Suspect Microfiction
Gutenberg’s Big Idea
Johannes Gutenberg brought his girlfriend, Gisela, into his shop and showed her his latest invention.
“What is it, Johannes?”
“I call it a printing press. It can produce exact copies of a book at a rapid pace.”
“Incredible. You will become rich.”
“What will you print first? The Bible would be a good idea.”
“Perhaps so. They are quite popular. But I have an even better idea. I plan to print one million phone books.”
“What are phones?”
“Let me show you. I am quite proud of this one.”
Sadly, the phone didn’t catch on for quite some time.
It’s Not Unusual
To fall in love
In days of old, when you took a walk
It was called a constitutional
When younger folk call it a stroll
They say, “It’s Not Unusual.”
Get your best gal, and find a path
Preferably one that’s shady
And don’t forget a parasol
Remember, She’s A Lady
If you happen upon a feline
Be sure to tip your hat
And ask in the most cordial way
“What’s New Pussycat?”
Arm in arm, it’s such delight
No matter where you roam
But nowhere else will ever beat
The Green, Green Grass Of Home
Delilah is a special gal
She moved from Detroit City
She much prefers the country life
The city is too gritty
She shares her tragic past
Her heart broken by a friend
She relates her constant thought
I’ll Never Fall In Love Again
You shutter at the tale
You reel at its starkness
She says, “You are a shining light,
on this former Daughter Of Darkness”
When you come calling, bring a book
A gift for her bookshelf
If you admire her collection
She will say, “Please, Help Yourself”
You decide she is the one
The gal to share your life
You say, “I, Who Have Nothing,
ask you to be my wife”
On your day of celebration
The start of wedded bliss
After both have said your vows
You seal it with a Kiss
You take a honeymoon
And a stroll around midnight
She gazes in your eyes
And says, “My dear, Love Me Tonight”
Now you have settled down
No longer rolling stones
Just Tom and Delilah
Mr. and Mrs. Jones
Capitalized Italic text: Tom Jones hit record titles.
Vintage Poster Story
Tarzan And The Amazons
It’s hard to find the time to watch all those great old vintage movies. And many are unavailable for viewing in current formats. But have no fear. I am here to give you a synopsis* of the story so you can join in on the discussion if the movie ever comes up in a conversation.
Tarzan was the greatest hunter in the jungle. On many occasions, Tarzan told anyone who would listen, “Tarzan the greatest hunter in the jungle. Tarzan fear no animal. Tarzan roar louder than lions. Tarzan scare stripes off tigers. Me Tarzan. Tarzan hunt food. Tarzan bring food home to Jane, Boy, and Cheetah.”
Jane and Boy would usually reply, “Yes, we know.”
Cheetah didn’t reply. Chimpanzees don’t speak English.
One day Tarzan was sitting next to a tree, deep in thought. Boy saw him and was rather curious. Boy knew Tarzan rarely sat and thought. He preferred swinging on vines or wrestling crocodiles. A philosopher, Tarzan was not. So Boy sat down next to Tarzan and asked, “What Tarzan thinking about?”
“Me Tarzan. Tarzan love Jane. Jane love Tarzan. Five times English men with picture taking machines follow Tarzan and Jane around. Then men leave. Tarzan happy when men leave. Again, English men come to follow Tarzan and Jane around. Tarzan go tell Jane English men are here and Jane look like different woman. Hair color of gold, not color of raven. Jane taller. Jane have different voice. Tarzan confused.”
“Boy notice also,” Boy said.
“Tarzan not care. Tarzan love Jane anyway. Prove love to Jane. Boy and Cheetah help Tarzan. Do what Tarzan say.”
Tarzan explained his plan to Boy. Boy got Cheetah and they headed off into the jungle.
Tarzan climbed the tree to their treehouse and approached Jane.
“Jane. Tarzan love Jane. Not care if Jane’s face different now. Tarzan take Jane on date.”
“A date! How delightful. I simply can’t wait to swing through the jungle on a vine,” Jane said.
“Tarzan and Jane swing on vines many times,” Tarzan said.
“Oh, yes, of course. Jane meant to say, ‘Jane can’t wait to swing through the jungle on a vine again.’ Where will you take me?”
“A show? In the jungle?”
“Yes, Tarzan find it while wrestling crocodiles. Jane will love show.”
“Lovely. When will we go?”
Tarzan grabbed Jane and they started swinging through the trees on tiny vines, hurtling from tree to tree at break-neck speeds. Tarzan let out his signature yell as they swung through the canopy of trees. Jane was horrified and quickly fainted.
Tarzan arrived at the river. Boy and Cheetah were already there and had set up a picnic dinner for Tarzan and Jane. Boy saw Jane collapsed in Tarzan’s arms and said, “What happen to Jane?”
“Jane faint while swinging through trees. Tarzan almost drop her.”
Tarzan set Jane down on the ground just as the Amazon women arrived and began their synchronized swimming show. Tarzan gently patted Jane’s face until she awoke.
“What happened?” Jane said.
“Jane faint,” Tarzan replied.
“Oh my. I must have been overcome by my love for Tarzan, the mightiest hunter of the jungle.”
“Tarzan not surprised. But look at river. Show already start.”
Jane turned and saw the Amazon women swimming with remarkable precision and coordination considering there were piranhas and crocodiles in the jungle river.
“Oh, Tarzan. It’s glorious!”
And so another chapter of the Tarzan saga began.
*There is a chance I might have made up this movie synopsis. About a 100% chance, actually. Keep that in mind when discussing the film.