Ahead Of My Time
The Sinister Vending Machine • The Seemingly Bottomless Hole That Wasn't
One Minute Wit
Ahead Of My Time
It seems so common now.
Apparently, I was an early adopter of the short attention span.
Microfiction
The Sinister Vending Machine
Be careful what you choose
Harold had just gotten chewed out by his boss, Mr. Sinister. Working for a selfish billionaire was a nightmare. If not for the money, Harold would have left long ago.
Harold went to the executive lounge. He noticed a new vending machine. Inside it, there were three index cards. The first read Loyalty, Wealth, Misery. The second read Independence, Struggle, Contentment. The third read Everything You Ever Wanted. Harold chose the third option. The vending machine door opened…
An hour later, they found Harold’s body buried under a pile of cars, money, houses, and a letter that said I quit.
Story
The Seemingly Bottomless Hole That Wasn’t
On The Island Of Phiddle
by Phineas Phiddlephaddle
On Phiddle, children make their own fun. This often involves exploring. The Island of Phiddle abounds with things to explore.
One delightful afternoon, Chester Lookabout and Adeline Joyspinner were out exploring when they happened upon a large hole. There is nothing particularly unusual about finding a hole on the Island of Phiddle, but this one had stairs.
Circular stairs led down around the wall of the hole as far as the eye could see.
Adeline looked at Chester and asked, “Do we dare?”
“Why, of course, Adeline. I consider it my duty. We have discovered stairs circling a hole leading into the unknown. We must learn where they go so we can report our findings. It may be interesting to report the finding of an unusual hole. But how much more interesting would it be to know where the stairs lead?”
“As usual, you have made a compelling case. Let’s proceed.”
So the two children began the long descent down the staircase. Fortunately, they had both packed Phiddleberry jam sandwiches in their backpacks for their adventure. The sandwiches were eaten long before they reached the bottom. At long last, the stairs ended with little fanfare at a wooden door.
Adeline used the knocker to knock on the door. There was no response.
“I do hope someone is home. It has been a very long way down. It would be quite disappointing if it were all for nothing.”
“Let me try,” Chester said.
Chester banged on the door with considerable force. A few moments later, the door opened inward, and standing before them was an old man.
“Oh my, visitors. I haven’t had visitors in ever so long,” said the old man. “My name is Bernard Smallholder.”
“I am Chester Lookabout.”
“And I am Adeline Joyspinner.”
“I am ever so pleased to meet you both. Come on in, please.”
Adeline and Chester could hardly believe their eyes. As they walked through the door, they entered a vast underground cave. Actually, more of a vast underground world. There were glowing stones in the ceiling of the cave that provided light as bright as a summer day. Looking around, they saw a farm, a lake, and cave-dwelling animals that looked a bit like goats.
“What is this place?” Adeline asked.
“Why, it is my home,” Bernard replied.
“What is its name?” Chester asked.
“I never thought to give it one,” Bernard answered.
“Did you make the stairs leading down here?” Adeline asked.
“I truly did. I was a farmer when I lived up top. Still am, actually. One day I saw a deep hole in the ground. I tried using a rope to climb down, but no matter how much rope I used, I couldn’t reach the bottom.
I hate to admit it, but it became a bit of an obsession for me. I had to know what was at the bottom. So I decided to cut stairs around the hole to see where it led. It took months. Or maybe years. My memory is a bit foggy. Anyway, by the time I got to the bottom, I was too tired to climb back out. There was food and water and animals. I had no family and don’t mind being alone. So I stayed.”
“How long ago was that?” Chester asked.
“Who can say? You can’t see the sun down here, so I have no way of telling night from day. But I was a young man when I started cutting steps. Now I have a gray beard.”
“Why haven’t we seen you before?” Adeline asked.
“Well, it is quite a lot of stairs! Especially going up. I went back up once. But decided I liked it better down here. There are no storms or droughts, and water drips right off the ceiling onto the crops. It is easy farming.”
“That’s a wonderful story. I think it would be marvelous if you told it to everyone in person. I am sure they would be as fascinated as I was. Would you like to accompany us back to the top?” Adeline said.
“Well, I wouldn’t mind seeing the old farm again. And sunshine. If you don’t mind my slower pace, I would be happy to join you on your return trip. We should pack some food and water for the climb. It is a doozie. And I’ll need my walking stick.”
It was a long climb, indeed. But Chester, Adeline, and Bernard finally reached the top. As they walked through the village, the children introduced Bernard to everyone they met. Surprisingly, none of them remembered old Bernard. And he didn’t recognize any of the village folk. Although he thought some looked familiar.
“Do you remember where your old farm is?” Chester asked.
“Of course. It’s not far.”
When they reached the farm, Adeline and Chester recognized it immediately as the farm of Ella and Edward Grower. They walked up to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. Ella came to the door.
“Good afternoon, Chester and Adeline,” Ella said.
“Good afternoon,” they both said.
“This is Bernard Smallholder. He used to own this farm,” Adeline said.
“Truly? That hardly seems likely. Edward and I inherited it from his parents, who inherited it from their parents.”
“It is a curious thing, alright. I am pleased to meet you, nonetheless, Mrs. Grower,” Bernard said.
“Excuse my manners. I am pleased to meet you also, Mr. Smallholder. Please, call me Ella.”
“Either Bernard or Bernie would be more to my liking also.”
“Please come in, everyone. I will fetch some lemonade.”
“Ooo. That sounds delightful. There are no lemons where I live,” Bernard said.
Just then, Edward came in from the field. Introductions were made, and the peculiar tale of how Bernard used to own the farm and now lived underground was told.
“Well, now that you mention it, I do recall my grandfather saying the farm was abandoned when they bought it. Could it be possible?” Edward said.
“Seems the only explanation. I know this land like the back of my hand. I am sure it is the farm I abandoned.”
“But that would make you… Very old,” Ella said.
“I can’t argue with that,” Bernard said.
“Perhaps living underground has extended your lifespan,” Edward wondered.
“Perhaps it has. It appears I made a good choice staying below ground.”
Bernard became quite a celebrity on Phiddle as he told his story over and over again. Then he decided it was time to return home. He invited folks to come and visit anytime. Advising them to wear comfortable shoes for the climb.
How long Bernard lived at the bottom of that hole remains one of the many mysteries on the island of Phiddle.
Happy Monday.
Mark
The Sinister Vending Machine is a clever and fun story that made me smile.
I remember Island of Phiddle story, Mark. Worth reading again. 😊