Cowboy Problems

Full-Grown Batboy • My Darling Aubrey

One Minute Wit

Cowboy Problems

Dorota Kudyba

Don’t you hate it when you’re chasing after a wild mustang,

spurring your horse on faster and faster,

and when you’re close enough to your target, you grab your rope and let it fly,

then you cry “YEE HAA!” as your rope cleanly circles the horse’s neck,

and you give a strong tug on the rope to stop the horse in its tracks,

then you jump off your horse and onto the back of the bronco, who tries to buck you off,

but you keep your balance as he lurches up and down repeatedly,

until finally, he comes to a stop,

and then you begin to hear strange music,

and you suddenly remember you’re on a carousel with your kids,

and everyone is staring at you.

Song Parody

Full-Grown Batboy

A song parody of Rhinestone Cowboy by Glen Campbell

Paul Brennan

Play the video at the end of the story and sing along!

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I’ve been wearing these cleats too long
Everyone says it’s wrong
I know every crack on this worn-out bench in this dugout
Where hustle’s the name of the game
And rich guys hit balls for fame while wearing gold chains

There’s been a load of compromisin’
And a lot of analyzin’
But I’m gonna stay where the lights are shinin’ on me

Like a full-grown batboy
Running out to home plate in a star-studded athlete show
Like a full-grown batboy
Getting cards and letters from kids that I don’t even know
All telling me it’s time to go

Well, I really don’t mind the shame
And I just have myself to blame
But I frown when I’m hearing the strains of “59’s too old!”
So I dream of things I’ll do
When I hope to retire at the young age of 62.

There’ll be a lot more compromisin’
And a lot more folk despisin’
But I’m gonna stay where the lights are shinin’ on me

Like a full-grown batboy
Running out to the plate in a star-studded athlete show
Full-grown batboy
Getting boos and hisses from kids that I don’t even know
And players stepping on my big toe

Like a full-grown batboy
Running out to home plate in a star-studded athlete show
Like a full-grown batboy
Getting cards and letters from kids that I don’t even know

(Fade)

Rhinestone Cowboy was a huge cross-over hit in 1975, topping both the country and pop charts. Glen Campbell got his start as part of The Wrecking Crew, the legendary L.A. studio musicians who recorded hundreds of Top 40 hits in the 1960 and 70s. They worked (often as “ghost players”) with everyone from Frank Sinatra to the Beach Boys to The Monkees to The 5th Dimension. Once the studios discovered Glen could sing, he became a solo star. I got to see Glen Campbell on his final tour before Alzheimer’s tragically took his life.

Letters Home

My Darling Aubrey

Felix Mittermeier

My Love;

How I miss you. I know we agreed that I had to go, but being confined to a ship in the vastness of space is more lonely than I ever imagined. I look at your photos often. Your smile is brighter than the sun, and your eyes are more beautiful than any galaxy. I long to smell your hair in my embrace. My whole body aches for you.

The food onboard is as lifeless as the void outside the galley window. It is fuel. There is no pleasure in eating. I would kill for some of your homemade lasagna. Or a slice of blueberry pie. Oh, the treasures we take for granted on Earth.

The crew maintains a state of professionalism in an attempt to keep the darkness out. But I doubt I am the only one longing for home.

It kills me that your pregnancy kept you from being on the mission. And that I will miss the birth of our child. Still, I am excited to be a father.

The mission is going as planned. We should reach New Hope in six months. If the scans are correct, and it is habitable, shuttles should begin next year. I could see you and hold you in my arms in less than two years.

Together we can begin a new life on a new world. Hopefully, a world without the problems of Earth and Mars.

I have to go now. Captain Strickland doesn’t tolerate tardiness. I will write again soon.

Love you forever;

Jacob

Happy Monday.

Mark

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Monday Morning Mark • 101