I Left My Jacket In Your Car

Tough Neighborhood • Advice From Old Folks On How To Live Longer - 5

Mark Starlin

Dec 11, 2023

Tough Neighborhood

Jack Delano • Public Domian • Library of Congress

“You know what I think? I think you been eyeballing my girl.”

“Leave Lenny alone, Billy. He’s just being friendly.”

“I’ve dropped bigger lugs than you. Don’t make me spit out my bubblegum.”

Twenty years later, Nancy and Leonard were married, with two kids. Billy, who had never heard of Judo before that day, was selling used cars in Tucson.

Poetry

I Left My Jacket In Your Car

I left my jacket in your car
Now I wonder where you are

Have you driven very far?
In your little green Jaguar?

Did you go shopping at a big bazaar
Looking for a cookie jar?

Or living as a hobo with a scar
Riding the rails in a boxcar?

Perhaps you went to see a Russian Czar
In a time-machine aluminum sports car?

Or starting a career as a rock star
Playing solos on an electric guitar?

Or using a shiny miniature crowbar
To pry open a can of Beluga caviar?

Or watching Star Wars, but not Avatar
As Luke blows up a Federation Death Star?

Or becoming an international movie star
Filming an adventure off in Zanzibar?

Or becoming a financial advisor superstar
Giving an expensive investment seminar?

Or munching on a candy bar
At a shopping mall snack bar?

Or racing in a souped-up stock car
On the circuit run by NASCAR?

Or struggling to play a B Flat barre
On your fancy Martin acoustic guitar?

Or growing a mustache handlebar
While smoking a big fat stinky cigar?

Or flying somewhere really far
Just so you can say au revoir?

Or shipwrecked on an ocean sandbar
Because your yacht has faulty radar?

Or trying, but not getting far
Working on your new memoir?

Anyway. When you get this message, please bring me my jacket on Tuesday.

Life

Advice From Old Folks On How To Live Longer • 5

Connor T. Cyborgsighter — Age 91

I am beginning to think that traditional publishers may not be interested in my obviously super useful book Super Useful Tips To Squeeze More Days Out Of Our Meager Human Lifespan. It’s like they are only interested in selling books that will make lots of money. Apparently, they have no interest in helping people live longer. I am convinced that they believe new people will be born to take the place of older people. Ha!

I may have to turn to self-publishing to get my book published. And then, when it sells a couple hundred thousand copies and book publishers take notice, I will laugh at their offers. Until the offers reach the millions. Then I will say, “Alright, if it will get you to leave me alone.”

In the meantime, I will continue to share these useful tips here, one at a time, so you can savor each one. Allow them to soak in and become part of your consciousness. Then, incorporate them into your lifestyle.

Here is tip number five:

If you ever step onto a subway train and see a man in a tattered, shot-up police uniform with half his face missing, revealing a skull made of shiny metal with red glowing eyes. And he’s carrying a shotgun. Just turn around and get back off the train.

I don’t see how anyone could argue with that advice. Thank you, Connor.