Famous Writer Writing Advice Proven Untrustworthy
Three Years! • The Path Of Endurance • The Evening Before • Murder at The Pasta Conglomerate
Amazing Stuff
Three Years!
I posted my first Monday Morning Mark newsletter on August 27, 2020. Three years later, Monday Morning Mark is still going strong, making your Mondays a little brighter (I hope!)
I have published 594 humor stories, fiction stories, poems, song parodies, essays, comics, doodles, and other creative writing. Not counting the first two novels in my Baron Britpop Blastfurnace series, 31 episodes of Space Traveler Fargone, and several comics and short serials I posted under Mark Starlin Writes! That’s a lot to read!
Thank you for reading. Your comments are worth more than gold to me. Please keep them coming!
Alright. Let’s get to the stuff you came for. The stories!
Mark
One Minute Wit
The Path Of Endurance
She had endured three miles of walking in snowy conditions. Still, there was hope. Only three more miles and she would reach town.
But the effort was wearing on her. Susan began to question if she really wanted Taco Bell that badly.
Letters Home
The Evening Before
Seaman Walter Simpson
US Navy
Pearl Harbor, Hawaii
December 06, 1941
Dearest Lanna;
I miss you more than words can say. You are always on my mind. The only thing that distracts me from thinking of you is Sarge yelling at me or Hawaii’s beauty.
This place is paradise. It is indescribably beautiful. Sandy beaches give way to green mountains and tropical vegetation, and the sunshine is endless. When I get out of the Navy, I am bringing you back here. You have to see it.
A couple of the other guys and I spend our off-duty time exploring the island. The pineapple here is so much sweeter and juicier than the canned version back home. And they have pig roasts where native people dance in scanty costumes. Your folks would blush to see them.
I know there is talk of war and joining forces with England to fight Hitler. But don’t worry, Darling, we’re too far from anywhere to see any action. I am safe here on the naval base.
I only wish I was close enough to come home and see you. I will write again soon.
Love and more love,
Walt
On Writing
Famous Writer Writing Advice Proven Untrustworthy
The sad truth revealed
Did you really think they were being altruistic? Those famous authors who dole out writing advice. Hardly. Those nuggets of supposed wisdom were secretly designed to keep you down and them on top.
I have the proof. I tried them all and am still not a famous writer. It’s time to stop buying into their fiction.
It is far better to listen to a mentor who has no vested interest in the writing trade:
“Young Jedi, the truth, hard to hear, it is. Disillusionment, you are experiencing. But truth, it is. Your interests, they have not. Evil, their advice. Avoid it, you must.” — Yoda
It’s hard to argue with Yoda. It’s hard enough to understand him. But he’s correct. Little green space muppets rarely lie.
Let’s examine some popular writing advice by famous writers and see the folly of believing it.
William Faulkner
“Read, read, read everything — trash, classics, good and bad, and see how they do it.” — William Faulkner
This shrewd bit of advice is immensely popular. That clever Faulkner knew if you spent all your time reading, reading, reading everything, then you wouldn’t be writing, writing, writing anything.
Sure, if you are already a famous writer who earns their income solely from writing, you may have plenty of free time to both read and write. But, even if that were the case, I have a sneaking suspicion that famous writers hire people to read for them.
Stop reading so much. It’s a trick!
Stephen King
“The adverb is not your friend.” — Stephen King
“I believe the road to hell is paved with adverbs, and I will shout it from the rooftops.” — Stephen King
Do you actually believe Stephen King hates adverbs? Enough to employ the use of a ladder to perch himself atop his roof and regale the neighborhood with his beliefs? No, sir, he does not. He simply doesn’t want you to write melodious phrases such as She sang softly to her daughter. Or He was pleasantly surprised by her charm and wit. Oh, the horror!
Wake up! King is merely trying to keep the competition down. And it’s working. People are eating this stuff up. Stilted, adverb-free writing is now considered ideal by any writing software you use to help you “improve” your writing.
Hilary Mantel
“The most helpful quality a writer can cultivate is self-confidence — arrogance, if you can manage it.” — Hilary Mantel
Yes! Who doesn’t love an arrogant person? They are so delightful to be around.
“Please, Sir, tell us more about your great intellect and money-earning prowess.”
“It must be so tiring having Hollywood celebrities continually bugging you about your next book. And that Oprah. Yeesh. When do you find time to tan?”
Don’t be self-confident in your ability to become arrogant. You just might.
Katherine Mansfield
“Looking back I imagine I was always writing. Twaddle it was too. But better far write twaddle or anything, anything, than nothing at all.” — Katherine Mansfield
Yes, please write more “twaddle.” Even better, post it on Substack. The fine readers of Substack just love reading twaddle. Also balderdash, gibberish, claptrap, blather, rubbish, tripe, hogwash, baloney, drivel, bilge, bosh, bunk, guff, eyewash, piffle, poppycock, phooey, hooey, and malarkey.
Mansfield? Ha! More like a minefield.
Elmore Leonard
“If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.” — Elmore Leonard
What?
If you want to be successful, make your writing sound less like writing and more like a chainsaw. [Wink, wink, to fellow famous writers.]
As bad advice goes, this ranks right up there with:
Make your music sound less like music. (More like writing?)
or
Make your food taste less like food. (More like motor oil?)
This advice is complete twaddle.
John Steinbeck
“Abandon the idea that you are ever going to finish. Lose track of the 400 pages and write just one page for each day. It helps.” — John Steinbeck
Give up before you start. Great advice, Johnny. Ignore the fact that it contradicts the “Be arrogant” advice of Hilary Mantel. Oh, what a tangled web they weave.
And be sure to leave your 400-page novel manuscript on the bus. Now, where did those 400 pages go? No matter. One page per day. One page per day.
Ray Bradbury
“Quantity gives experience. From experience alone can quality come.” — Ray Bradbury
Spoken like a true blogger. Crank it out—day after day. Don’t worry about whether it’s worth reading. Two Substack newsletters (and a dozen posts on Notes) per day sounds about right.
Is it getting hot in here? What’s the temperature?
T. S. Eliot
“Immature poets imitate; mature poets steal.” — T. S. Eliot
Written before copyright laws? I think not. T just wants you to end up in jail. Perhaps in a cell with Mr. T.
I pity the fool who plagiarizes.
Jack London
“You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” — Jack London
Violence is not the answer, Jack!
There are already enough writers killing their darlings. We don’t need any more murder or mayhem in the writing game.
Ernest Hemingway
“Always stop while you are going good and don’t worry about it until you start to write the next day. That way your subconscious will work on it all the time.” — Ernest Hemingway
What could be better than stopping when you are inspired and writing well? Ernest wasn’t being very earnest with this obviously horrible advice. If you want to see the old man at the sea (on his yacht) laughing, believe it.
Wake up, writers! Ignore the famous writing advice and trust your instincts. Strive to be original, and maybe someday you will be able to give out your own untrustworthy famous writer advice.
Mark Starlin is an unknown writer who listened to famous writing advice, which resulted in his unknown writer status. His discovery of the shocking truth about famous writing advice has led him to make sharing this truth his mission.
A Max Headline News Story Adventure
Murder at The Pasta Conglomerate
I was sitting at my desk at Big City News, enjoying my morning donut, when the Boss busted out of his office and bellowed, “Max, there’s been a murder at The Pasta Conglomerate. Get down there, on the double.”
“On my way, Boss,” I said.
I stuck the half-eaten donut in my desk drawer for later and beat feet down the stairs to get a cab.
The Pasta Conglomerate is a pasta factory, but everyone in the know knows it is also a front for The Mob. I would need to tread lightly. I’m not a fan of cement shoes.
Murders by The Pasta Conglomerate are fairly common, but murders at The Pasta Conglomerate are rare. In fact, this was the first.
When I arrived, Joey Fehttuchini was waiting for me.
“Yo, Max. Over here.”
I walked over and saw Big Jim Cappelletti lying on the floor, covered in pasta sauce. Big Jim was the head of the Cappelletti gang. They run the east side of town.
“The coppers are clueless. You got any idea who did this?” Joey asked.
“I reached my finger down, scooped up some of the pasta sauce, and took a taste.”
“Simple. This is Mama’s Spaghetti Sauce. Tony Garganelli’s family recipe. He is leaving his calling card.”
“Thanks, Max. I owe you.”
“A get-out-of-being-killed-by-the-mob-free card would be nice. Or at least some donuts.”
Joey laughed and slapped me on the back. A little too hard, in my opinion. Which I kept to myself.
I headed back to the office to write my story.
Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.
Mark
I want to send a big muchas gracias to Bill Alder for becoming a paid subscriber this week. I can taste those burritos already!
When I got the shocking email about a new paid subscriber, I opened it to see who this misguided, I mean incredibly generous, person was. I recognized the face. Bill is a talented writer here on Substack. One of my favorites. If you enjoy imaginative fiction, check out his Substack:
Jack London knew how to go after inspiration with a club. He never restricted himself to doing one type of writing all the time- and that's why I admire him.
Happy anniversary, Mark! The Taco Bell line in the quick story really got me.