Can You Describe Him To Me?

About writing

Nov 04, 2021

This is a special non-fiction post. As a “writer,” I am always interested in your opinions on my writing. And writing in general. So I hope you will take a few minutes to read this and leave some comments. Thanks. - Mark

Besides grammar, I think my biggest weakness as a writer is descriptive writing. I rely far too much on the reader’s imagination to fill in what I leave out.

Perhaps it is because whenever I read long descriptions of characters or scenes, my mind glazes over, and I can’t envision what they are describing.

Say, “A short old man with rumpled clothes,” and I can envision that. Do a five-paragraph detailed description of his physical size, posture, clothes, wrinkles, age spots, hairstyle, cologne, apartment, daily schedule, lunch bag contents, bird feeding habits, etc. And I have no idea what he looks like when you are done. If I am still reading or awake.

Sometimes, my lack of focus is because the description is just too long and tedious. I don’t care what color his suit jacket buttons are. Nor do I want a cooking lesson on every item Detective Joe eats for breakfast before starting his crime detection.

But not always. It can be a beautifully written description of the sight, sounds, and smells the character is experiencing, but my brain is going, “Warning, Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!” I have a hard time focusing on what is written.

Why? Is it just me? I won’t be surprised. I have known I am weird for a long time.

Do the really long description of the woods in The Hobbit put you to sleep also? Or do you love details and soak them up?

Trying To Improve

I would love to be more descriptive in my writing. That is something I need to work on, and I have made an attempt below. It doesn’t come naturally to me. Perhaps I am more of a “story teller” than a “story show-er.” Or maybe I am just lazy. And need to try harder and practice more.

This is from the first chapter of my novel in progress, Elise Boissonneau.

The original:

Our first stop was the bakery. I thought a pastry would be a pleasant way to start our tour.

“Good day, Baron,” baker Felix Peel said as we entered the store.

Short and to the point. But not very descriptive of the scene.

Here is my attempt at a more descriptive version that, hopefully, makes the bakery scene more interesting and enjoyable:

Our first stop was Peel Bakery. I thought a pastry would be a pleasant way to start our tour of Kapri. The smell of fresh bread greeted us as we walked in. Display cases were filled with a wide range of bread and pastries guaranteed to delight even the most particular taste buds. Felix Peel, a large, good-natured man, greeted us.

“Good day, Baron,” Felix said.

The dialog that follows makes it obvious that Felix is the baker.

Update

After reading the comments I made another attempt.

Our first stop was Peel Bakery. I thought a pastry would be a pleasant way to start our tour of Kapri. The enticing smell of fresh-baked bread welcomed us as we entered the bakery. While display cases full of pastries guaranteed to delight even the most particular taste buds vied for our attention. Felix Peel, a large, good-natured man, greeted us.

“Good day, Baron,” Felix said.

It doesn’t paint much of a picture, but I hope it creates a feeling of warmth or welcome in the reader.

What do you think? Better? Worse? Not necessary? It’s hopeless; I need to quit writing altogether?

What about you?

Do you like lots of details?

Or just the essentials needed to support the story?

Or something in between?

Or something else?