Bringing Real Change For America (Mostly Pennies And Dimes)

I am officially announcing my candidacy for President of The United States of America!

Mar 22, 2024

To say that the state of US politics boggles my mind is a monumental understatement. These two again? Seriously?

It has become apparent that I need to run for President. The Republicans and Democrats have had a stranglehold on ineffective government for far too long. I think it is time to give an independent candidate a chance to not get anything done. So, I am officially announcing my candidacy for President of The United States of America.

We all want a brighter future, right? And not the exploding supernova kind. But a better America—even better than apple pie à la mode. Or churros.

If you are tired of picking the lesser of two evils and want to choose the lesser of three evils, I’m your man.

Now, if you vote for me, it is a safe bet I will mess up — a lot. I will try hard to do my best, but I will not promise easy living or free everything. [Except for me. Presidents don’t pay for anything. It’s awesome.]

And, hey, there is always the chance I could be great by accident.

I will undoubtedly say random things during speeches. [I got a D in teleprompter class.]

Or maybe wear a huge sombrero during State Of The Union speeches.

Or bust into martial arts moves like Elvis.

I might even wear a cape if it’s not too hot out.

If elected, I will be the first President with his own Substack.

I might finally top 12 paid subscribers. My recommendations will be gold! And Substack will get a major PR boost. Surely,

Hamish McKenzie

, that is worth a couple of million in campaign contributions. I promise I won’t spend it all on churros.

Plus, I have some good ideas that might make up for all my mistakes and quirks:

If elected, I will propose that the Pentagon be downsized to a Quadagon, saving 20% annually.
If elected, I propose that we have a President Of The Day every month, where I choose one citizen to come in and be acting President for a day. Everyone seems to think they have the answers to government problems. This will give them a chance to show their stuff. And it would give me a day off each month. Win-win.
If elected, I will walk backward for an entire day just to mess with the Secret Service. They are sooo serious.
If elected, I will bring common sense back to government—at least in the Oval Office, which I will definitely not turn into a dirt bike race course. That’s a silly idea I would never consider. Not even if I got some free dirt bikes out of it.

Since I am independently not wealthy, I can’t afford to hire a famous band to play a cool theme song like Eye Of The Tiger at my campaign speeches. And none of the bands I asked are naive enough to play for “exposure.” Therefore, I wrote my own campaign song.

Mark Starlin Presidential Campaign Song

I want to be the President
Big white house, don’t pay no rent
Just borrow more money when the money’s spent
I think we’ve had enough mediocrity
It’s only four years, why not vote for me!

I’ll try really hard to do the right thing
If Congress disagrees, I’ll bust out the silly string
I hear they fight really hard, so I’ll build a boxing ring

I will only use my motorcade to go out for lemonade
And if it’s nice outside, I’ll sip it in the shade
Or start a spontaneous motorcade parade

I want to be the President
Big white house, don’t pay no rent
Just borrow more money when the money’s spent
I think we’ve had enough mediocrity
It’s only four years, why not vote for me!

I might come to your town wearing a disguise
And stop at your house for some burgers and fries
Then one-on-one, you can tell me your concern
Just don’t talk so much that you let the hamburgers burn

I’ll tell you what I really think
No fingers crossed, no secret winks
I’m just an average kinda guy
Why not let me give it a try?

I want to be the President
Big white house, don’t pay no rent
Just borrow more money when the money’s spent
I think we’ve had enough mediocrity
It’s only four years, why not vote for me!

I’ll make Taco Tuesdays an official thing!

I realize that if I win, lots of people will despise me simply because I’m not a member of their political party. That’s okay. That’s just less food I need to buy for the First Annual White House Lawn Cookout.

Plus, roughly 49% of US citizens consider themselves unaffiliated or independent. It’s time for almost half the country to be represented in government.

I will regularly follow up this post with my views on government and important issues in my Reports From The Campaign Trail. Stay tuned.

Remember. Vote Starlin 2024!

I am on the lookout for a VP. Surely, there is someone out there who is wacky—I mean intelligent—enough to run with me. If you are game, let me know why you think you are a good choice in the comments (the less political, the better.)