Monday Morning Mark • 67
Elephants And Candy Bars • Literal Pizza • Toys In The Attic • The Problem With Phiddleberries
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One Minute Wit
Elephants And Candy Bars
Jude The Animal Expert Dude
Elephants tend to be larger than their vegetarian diet would indicate.
This leads me to hypothesize that they secretly stash candy bars in various places throughout the Savanna.
I believe these hiding places are extremely clever because none of my colleagues or I have ever observed elephants eating candy bars in the wild.
Yet I have, on numerous occasions, discovered empty candy wrappers surprisingly close to our camps.
— Jude The Animal Expert Dude
Microfiction
Literal Pizza
Joey was working the cash register at Literal Pizza.
When a surfer dude walked in, Joey got very nervous. Soon his fears were realized.
Joey: Welcome to Literal Pizza. May I take your order?
Surfer Dude: Dude, I heard you had killer pizza. I want one. A large Pepperoni.
Instantly, a pizza in progress, and the pan it was being assembled on started spinning around. Then it began to hover. Suddenly, it shot across the room and hit the surfer dude in the head, killing him.
Manager Sarah: Another one?
Joey: Yup. Well, at least he didn’t say, “Your pizza is the bomb.”
Doodle
Toys In The Attic
Name that band.
Whimsical Fiction
The Problem With Phiddleberries
by Phineas Phiddlephaddle
There is a berry that only grows on the Island of Phiddle called the Phiddleberry. The Phiddleberry is so delicious that it caused considerable discord between the humans and birds who called Phiddle their home.
Birds and humans loved the berries so much that there were never enough to go around. Wild Phiddleberries were eaten off the bushes by birds before humans could harvest any. Humans resorted to growing Phiddleberries in greenhouses to get a sizable enough crop for making Phiddleberry Jam, a favorite of all Phiddle residents.
Well, the birds of Phiddle didn’t take kindly to this turn of events. Since birds have no farming skills to speak of, they were at the mercy of whatever the wild Phiddleberry bushes produced. Sadly, the bushes never seemed to grow enough berries to satisfy the birds’ yearnings.
One day Rebecca Wellington was carrying a basket of Phiddleberries from the family greenhouse to the farmhouse. Suddenly, a hawk swooped down and snatched the basket from her hand, and flew away. You can hardly blame the bird. Phiddleberries are that delicious. And being a bird, it is in their nature to swoop down and grab food.
This wasn’t an isolated incident. In fact, it was only the first salvo in an ongoing campaign of basket snatching by the birds. It became such a problem that the Mayor was enlisted to help.
The Mayor of Phiddle is, by default, the eldest resident of Phiddle. Folks figuring the oldest resident must be the wisest. Typically, there isn’t much for the Mayor to do. Unless there is a disagreement that can’t be worked out in a neighborly manner. Then the Mayor is consulted to make the final decision. Or if a big problem arises, as in this case, the Mayor attempts to resolve it.
The Mayor visited the Wellington family and enlisted the help of young Rebecca Wellington. Rebecca was a six-year-old. Which means she could still speak fluent Hawk. Around age seven, the children of Phiddle begin losing their ability to talk to birds and animals. No one knows why. It simply happens that way.
The Mayor and the Wellington family walked out to the forest that the hawks, and many other birds, called their home. The Mayor was quite winded by the time they reached the forest (the Mayor really likes Phiddleberry Jam, and it shows.)
With the help of Rebecca translating, the Mayor met with the entire bird community on Phiddle.
“We realize you enjoy Phiddleberries, as do we. And that there are not enough wild Phiddleberries to go around. If you agree to quit snatching baskets of Phiddleberries from Phiddle humans, I will enact Phiddleberry Fridays. Every Friday, any resident of Phiddle growing Phiddleberries will be required to place a basket worth of Phiddleberries out for the birds of the field to enjoy. In return, birds will no longer raid greenhouses and snatch Phiddleberries from the residents,” said the Mayor.
The entire bird population agreed to the proposal, and there have been Phiddleberry Fridays ever since. Folks put out tables so children and birds can eat together and enjoy some pleasant conversation. Parents make toast for the children to spread Phiddleberry Jam on, while birds preferred the berries in their natural state.
It’s surprising how much children and birds have to talk about. It remains one of the many mysteries on the island of Phiddle.
Happy Monday.
Mark
Free Books
I am participating in a group book promotion during December. I have teamed up with 30 historical fiction writers to bring you an opportunity to get their books for free.
Each of the books in this promotion is available to download for free by signing up for the author’s newsletter. Check them out. If something looks interesting, you can sign up and get the eBook for free.
Follow this link to see the Historical Fiction for December promotion page.
Maybe it's just too early, but imma need a breakdown on how you get Aerosmith from that cartoon. Just not seeing it.
I can't tell you how much I look forward to Monday Morning Mark. Your stories are delightful.