Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of Circle 8 Ranch
Spending Time With Bigfoot • Text From The Teacher • Ships And Crews
One Minute Wit
Spending Time With Bigfoot
If you ever spend any time with Bigfoot and accidentally step on his foot — which you will, those things are enormous — don’t say,
“Sorry, I didn’t see your gigantic hairy pontoon boats parked there.”
Bigfoot doesn’t have much of a sense of humor.
And you will soon discover that he could have just as easily been named Bigfist.
50-Word Story
Text From The Teacher
Ashley: Billy’s teacher just called.
David: Now what?
Ashley: She was handing out homework assignments, and when she got to Billy, suddenly she was standing on an island in the Pacific.
David: You’re kidding.
Ashley: Nope.
David: He’s gone too far this time.
Ashley: I told you not to buy him that magician’s set for his birthday.
Sayings Of Renown by Captain Peanut Butter
Ships And Crews
A ship ain’t nothing but wood, rope, and canvas.
It is a thing of beauty, that is true.
And a good one can steal your heart.
But a ship ain’t nothin’ without a crew.
A good crew is everything. And a rare thing.
A sailor’s life is a hard one.
Storms beat against you.
Hardships rip at your soul.
Close quarters drive you crazy.
A man needs to be half mad to take to sea.
But this ol’ Cap’n will take a half-mad sailor over a member of the gentry any day.
I need hands, not hand lotion.
— Captain Peanut Butter
Captain Peanut Butter was a pirate sea captain. But a pirate unlike any other. He sailed the seas in the latter half of the 18th century. He had a long, well-documented history of saying renowned sayings. Some profound. Some amusing. Some strange.
The captain also plays a major role in my novel Baron Britpop Blastfurnace. Which you can read for free on my Substack website.
Captain Peanut Butter was born in my mind four decades ago. And has lived in my imagination ever since. In the historical sense, he is fiction. In my heart he is real.
Western Humor
Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of Circle 8 Ranch
-1880-
It was a sunny, mostly dust-free day. Hollister was strolling through town on his way to the saloon when Jeremiah Ironhammer spotted him. Jeremiah dropped his hammer, ran out of his blacksmith shop, and grabbed Hollister by the shoulder. Hollister swung around, pistol already in hand, and aimed right at Jeremiah’s chest.
“Dagnabit, Jeremiah. I almost put a bullet in ya. Don’t ever sneak up on me and grab my shoulder,” Hollister said.
“I’m powerful sorry, Hollister. I just really need to talk to ya.”
“‘Bout what?”
“It’s about Jed. You probably heard his Pa passed last week.”
“I did. It’s a shame; he was a good man.”
“Well, he came in today telling me he intends to change the name of Circle 8 Ranch to honor his Pa. Asking me to make letters for a new sign and a new brand for his cattle.”
“Yeah, is that a problem?”
“Normally, no. But you ain’t gonna believe what Jed wants the new name to be.”
“What?”
“Here, look for yourself.”
Jeremiah handed Hollister a piece of paper. Hollister read it and looked up at Jeremiah.
“Is he serious?”
“Dead serious. Trust me, I tried to dissuade him, but he has his mind set on it. You got to talk to him, Hollister.”
“Why me?”
“Well, you know how his temper gets. Anyone else would likely get a good thrashing if they tell him he ain’t thinking straight.”
“What makes you think he won’t thrash me. He is a good half foot taller than me and easily 50 pounds heavier.”
“Sure, but Jed knows your reputation. He respects you. And he likes you.”
“That may be so. But it’s his business if he wants to change the ranch name. It ain’t my place to tell him what to do.”
“Maybe not. But think of the consequences if he goes through with it. He’ll listen to you.”
“I ain’t promisin’ nothin’, but I’ll think about it.”
“Thank you, Hollister.”
Hollister walked into the saloon for lunch. He sat at a table near the window and looked out, deep in thought.
Rosie, one of the saloon girls, walked over to Hollister’s table.
“You look miles away. What’s on your mind, Hollister.”
“Oh, I just got some disconcertin’ news. Jeremiah, the blacksmith, wants me to talk Jed Bigarms into not changin’ his ranch name.”
“Why would he do that?”
“Jed wants to name the ranch after his Pa. Here take a look.”
Hollister handed Rosie the paper Jeremiah gave him.
Rosie’s eyes got wide. Then she smiled and started laughing. When she finally stopped, she said, “You have to do it, Hollister. He ain’t too bright, but he’s a decent man. This will make him a joke.”
“Why don’t you do it? You know he’s sweet on you.”
“He was until I turned down his marriage proposal. Now he won’t even look at me. You really are the best choice.”
“I reckon. How do I always get roped into these things?”
“It’s ’cause, under all that gruff, you got a good heart,” Rosie said and then kissed Hollister’s cheek. “Now, what can I get you for lunch?”
After lunch, Hollister rode out to Circle 8 ranch. Jed was outside getting some water from the well when Hollister rode up.
“Howdy, Hollister. What brings you out this way?”
“I saw Jeremiah this morning, and he told me about you fixing to rename the Circle 8.”
“That’s right. I want to honor my Pa.”
“Now, Jed, don’t be taking this wrong, but I got to speak my mind on this one. Your Pa was a right admirable man, and we all thought highly of him. And though we thought it a bit peculiar that your Pa was named Mama, being neighborly, we never said anything about it.
But I can’t help thinking you are setting yourself up for a world of trouble if you name your ranch Mama’s Boy Ranch.”
Eventually, with enough reasoning by Hollister, Jed came around to his senses. Circle 8 Ranch stayed the Circle 8 Ranch, and Hollister rode back to town.
Such was life, somewhere in the old west.
Happy Monday.
Mark
Read this and immediately went to subscribe -- thank you for making me laugh first thing this morning!
Thanks. This brightened my Monday.