A New Pet For My Wife
Fame • That One Looks Like an Elephant! • Different Writing Voices
One Minute Wit
Fame
What’s Your Name?
I’m actually famous.
Just not many people know it.
50-Word Story
That One Looks Like an Elephant!
Two clouds were floating along their usual route when they spotted the boy lying on the ground, looking up.
“There’s Billy. What are you going to be today?”
“I thought an elephant would be nice. Billy loves animals.”
“Good idea. I’ll be a peanut.”
“Ha, ha. Let’s do it. Transform!”
Humor About Writing
Different Writing Voices
I frequently see articles about “finding your voice as a writer.” Essentially, the advice is: Be unique. Be yourself.
Apparently, many writers are still looking for their own unique voice. And in the meantime, they are using more common voices. Here are some examples:
The Regular Speaking Voice
“I’m going to get milk.”
The Overly-Descriptive Pretentious Voice
“I believe I shall venture into the deep-hued darkness of the evening on a trek in my oversized motorized vehicle in search of that enticing white liquid which I frequently pour liberally over wheat flakes in the early hours of the morn’ before the sun has fully shaken its slumber.”
The Inspirational Voice
“Start your day by drinking milk. It is a small pleasure that prepares you to be a pleasure to others.”
The Promotional Voice
“I often drink milk. In fact, I need some now. Milk is great. If you enjoy milk, you will enjoy my milk blog. The web address is…”
The Motivational Voice
“Drink that milk. Go get more. Drink that milk. Go get more.”
The Scholarly Voice
‘Milk is a product of the mammary glands of mammals. It is a white liquid that provides nourishment to infant mammals before they can digest solid foods. My supply of milk has expired.”
The Cynical Voice
“They say milk is good for you. My brother drank milk. He died.”
The Paranoid Voice
“Milk is a plot by The Man to keep cows in captivity.”
The Funny Voice
“I just blew some milk out of my nose.”
The Peer Pressure Voice
“Here is why I am buying milk and why you should too.”
The Authoritative Voice
“As the director of milk studies in Wisconsin for over twenty years, I have easily consumed five semi-truck tanker fulls of the liquid. So believe me when I say milk tastes good.”
The Sarcastic Voice
“Yeah, that milk mustache looks good. And so do those shoes.”
The Empowering Voice
“Milk? Who says you need milk? You don’t need milk. You are better than that. Milk doesn’t rule you. You rule milk.”
The Poetic Voice
“Drink of the morning,
precious white liquid,
my need of you is dire,
I seek you relentlessly”
The Life-Hack Voice
“Here’s what I learned by drinking 4 gallons of milk in one sitting.”
The Listical Voice
“Here are 45 reasons why you should go get milk.”
Have you found your unique writing voice? Got milk?
[And now that I’ve offended almost everyone, I’m leaving. I need to go get some milk.]
Story
A New Pet For My Wife
The Things We Do For Love
I don’t like Humans. I prefer Vesrudians. But my wife really wants one. Personally, I think they are nothing but a hassle. Always making a mess. Wanting to be fed at least three times a day. Making weird noises all day and night. And you have to get someone to watch them when you go on trips, or they will tear up the house. But she likes the way they curl up next to her on the couch while we watch shows.
When the last one died, she was distraught. We agreed to wait a year before getting another one. That would give me a break from having to clean up after one and give her time to get over the trauma of the last one’s death. Well, the year is up. I dread the four-month trip to Earth and back. But I love her. What am I going to do?
She says she wants another Canadian. They do seem to be the most friendly and compliant breed. That East Coast American sure was a handful. Of course, the purebreds are the worst. I like the mutts better.
I hope I can find a good one. It is so hard to tell when you are picking one out. They act so scared. I guess it’s not that big of a deal. They only live about 9 years. I read once that one Human year is like 77 Galapian years. How do they know that?
It is a short life, but they got it made. Doing nothing but laying on the couch all day. No responsibilities. Three meals a day. It’s definitely a Human’s life.
Alright, here I go again.
“I’m leaving to get your human, Babe. See you in a few months.”
“Thanks. You’re the best. Love you.”
Happy Monday.
Mark
Your writer's voices is about the funniest thing I've read in years. Perfect!
love your Monday Morning Mark each week. The writing voices were fantastic and I hope you were able to get a good Human You are the best.