Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of The Buffalo Ride
Adventure Clothing Advice • I Once Gave My Life To Baseball
Jude The Animal Expert Dude
Adventure Clothing Advice
My followers on social media are always asking my advice on what to wear when going out in the wild.
The most valuable advice I can give them is:
Catnip pants are not a good idea.
— Jude The Animal Expert Dude
A Sports Rhyme
I Once Gave My Life To Baseball
I once gave my life to baseball
I learned to hit the fastest fastballs
I zeroed in on wicked curveballs
I hit home runs, and countless ground balls
I rarely ever hit a foul ball
I played outfield and caught the fly balls
I avoided food that increased my cholesterol
I signed autographs at local shopping malls
And conveyed sports clichés with a charming southern drawl
Then one fateful day we played in Montreal
They had a pitcher there named Shutout Saul
He threw one pitch that was my downfall
Oh, how I hated his evil screwball
He made me look like a clumsy neanderthal
Then soon I heard fan’s angry catcalls
I started thinking about switching to basketball,
or football, or volleyball, or even racquetball
The sight of Saul made my skin crawl
I began to pray for heavy rainfall
Or a relief pitcher to get the call
But Saul was in it for the long haul
He learned my weakness, his mighty screwball
It soon became his only protocol
I got so mad, I called him Meatball
He glared and beaned me with a hardball
It hit me like a pirate cannonball
Pain washed over me like a waterfall
I rushed the mound, intending to brawl
The benches emptied, it was a free-for-all
The game turned into rugby football
Fists were flying, I hit Saul’s eyeball
He responded with a cleat to my abdominal wall
I flopped around like a worn-out rag doll
The cops dragged us down to city hall
I ended up staring at a holding cell wall
The judge said, “I don’t have the wherewithal.
You are released into the urban sprawl.”
Saul said, “You want to go drink some alcohol?”
We ended up on a four-day pub crawl
I don’t recall much after that at all
Saul and I were both deemed AWOL
Our careers over, we now spend our windfalls
Out on the course chasing golf balls
Somewhere In The Old West
Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of The Buffalo Ride
Hollister Bootstone limped into the saloon and took a seat at the bar. Clem, the bartender, placed a whiskey in front of Hollister who made quick work of it. Rosie, one of the saloon girls, saw Hollister limping in and said, “I saw you limpin’, Hollister. What happened?”
Before Hollister could answer, Clem added, “You get in a scrape with someone?”
“Nah, nothing like that. But it was the craziest thing. I was riding back from the Circle 8 ranch.”
Clem interrupted. “What happened there? Did you talk some sense into Jed?”
“Yeah. It took some doing, but I talked him out of changing the name of the ranch. It is staying the Circle 8.”
“Thank the stars. You’re a good friend, Hollister,” Rosie said.
Hollister continued. “Well, like I was sayin’, I was riding back from the Circle 8 Ranch. Feeling fairly satisfied with my deed, when I heard a rumblin’ in the distance. I knew right away it was a buffalo stampede. There ain’t no mistakin’ that sound. I put Cinnabun into a dead run hopin’ to outrun them.”
“It was no use. There was hundreds of ’em. They were like a mighty ocean wave bearin’ down on us. Then suddenly most of them veered off in another direction. But not the two biggest ones. They headed straight for us. It was like they were huntin’ us.”
“Then an even more peculiar thing happened. The two of them split up and flanked us, one on each side. Then they started closing in. I knew they would crush my legs and probably Cinnabun too if they kept closing in, so I hopped off Cinnabun and onto one of the buffalos.”
“You didn’t!” Rosie said.
“Sure as I’m sittin’ here,” Hollister replied.
“Shoowee! What happened to Cinnabun?” Clem asked.
“Well, without my weight on him, Cinnabun was faster. He broke away. Last I seen of him he was still being chased by the other buffalo. I suspect he’ll show up soon enough. He’s as smart as they come.
“Meanwhile I was hanging on to that buffalo’s back for dear life. He wasn’t too happy about me being on his back, I assure you of that, but I had no intention of falling off and letting him come ‘round to do me in. I began ponderin’ if I should shoot the beast. But it was wasted thinkin’. While it was still in a dead run, that buffalo went and kicked a rattlesnake up in the air. And wouldn’t you know it, that rattler hit me square in the chest and fell into my lap.”
Rosie gasped and Clem’s eyes got wide. By now, everyone in the saloon had gathered around for the tellin’ of the tale.
“I grabbed that rattler as fast as I humanly could and was fixin’ to toss it away when it struck. Luckily, it missed me. But it sank its fangs right into the side of the buffalo, who started bucking wildly. I barely hung on. Eventually, the venom took hold and the buffalo began slowing down. Then it stumbled and we both took a tumble. I thought for sure I was a goner. But it wasn’t my time. I didn’t perish in the fall, but the buffalo did land square on my legs pinnin’ me to the ground.”
“I must have laid there for hours. I started thinkin’ maybe it was my time after all. What a miserable way to leave this world. As I was laying there prayin’ for safe passage through the pearly gates, I heard a voice. I thought it must be an angel coming to guide me the rest of the way home. But it wasn’t. It was a woman. Rebecca’s cousin, I soon discovered.”
“Elizabeth Newintown? Lawdy, that woman can talk a soul’s ear off,” Rosie said.
“Don’t I know it. She started talkin’ at me. Actin’ like seein’ a man with a buffalo on his legs was an everyday occurrence. She went on and on. I reckon she must have run out of breath ’cause eventually she stopped yammerin’ long enough to ask me if I would accompany her back to town.”
Everyone in the saloon burst into laughter.
“Well, I told her to go back to Recebba’s farm and get a length of fence rail. With the help of a rock and some leverage, she managed to lift the carcass of the buffalo just enough for me to pull my legs out. But my right ankle was in a sorry state. So we hobbled back to town. To her credit, she allowed me to put my arm around her shoulder to lessen the weight on my leg.”
“Careful, Hollister, she might expect you to court her now,” Rosie said.
“I’m meeting’ her Saturday at Rebecca’s. She’s baking me an apple pie.”
The place erupted into hoots, whistles, and other such commotion.
“It ain’t like that. She is just thanking me for escortin’ her back to town. Turns out, when she found me, she was as lost as a coyote in New York City.”
“Un huh,” Rosie said with a grin.
Such was life, somewhere in the old west.
Happy Monday. And happy Independence Day, USA!
Mark
Adventure Clothing Advice - Maybe cat nip pants are bad for wild cats, but domestic cats though… I bet cat ladies would buy that up. You could make a fortune!
I once gave my life to baseball - A happy ending for the protagonist, Saul, and every baseball player who will never be on the receiving end of Saul’s evil screwballs.
Hollister Bootstone and The Tale Of The Buffalo Ride - This was a good story, but I swear I was expecting the story to end like “And that was the day Hollister Bootstone brought bull riding to that old west town” or something to that effect 😂
Mark, I am going to take a wild guess that you assembled a big bag of words that rhyme, kinda rhyme, or could be called a rhyme if mumbled appropriately, and then built a poem with that raw material. That said poem makes sense is laudable, and a tribute to your storytelling ability.