“Look at him smiling.”

“I’ve never seen Bobby so happy.”

“You were right. Elephants prefer being outdoors.”

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

Three-Line Conversations

“Hey, Babe. I could use a little assistance, please.”

“You weren’t trying to roller ski down the stairs again, were you?”

“Mmm. Possibly.”

Interview Preparation

Max Headline

I had an appointment to interview Joe “Hurricane” Smith.

So I figured I better put on some hairspray.

Compound Problem

Don’t You Hate It

Don’t you hate it when you go to an archery competition,

and you suddenly remember you’re wearing a Target logo t-shirt.

Target is a budget department store in the U.S., whose logo is—you guessed it—a target.

Finding Life In Our Solar System

The surprising discovery

There is a story circulating that NASA discovered an inhabited moon hiding behind one of the planets in our own solar system.

But its surface is made of old banana peels, and when they tried to land an unmanned explorer on it, the rover slid off back into space.

But for the few seconds the rover was on the surface, it managed to photograph the inhabitants, who appeared to be monkeys wearing golf shoes.

I haven’t been able to confirm if the story is true, but it is on Facebook, so it must be.

I’m Ready For Comprehensive Study

Let the lessons begin

I just received a scholarship to The International Center For Donut Studies.

I am looking forward to the homework.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

For 2025,

I have decided to just forget about all the things I can’t remember.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions (especially about diet. I always fail.) What about you?

I do have things I hope to accomplish and start in 2025, so I suppose I have hopes or goals for the new year. But life is too unpredictable for resolutions, at least in my experience.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

I am originally from Michigan.

Where locals like to say, “We get nine months of winter and three months of bad sledding.”

I know all about cold temperatures, and just because I moved south, it doesn’t mean I don’t like cold weather.

I still like the cold.

When it stays up north.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

“I realized something about writing lyrics today.”

“What’s that?”

“It sounds good if you sing, “do, do, do, do.” But it sounds weird if you just say it.”

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

“The most important thing about building a sand castle is a good mix of sand and water.”

“What’s that smell?”

“I just pooped. Ignore it. We have work to do.”

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

Is making me wait

I just joined the Fruit Of The Century Club.

I can’t wait for my first shipment!

A Quick Gander

Three Line Conversations

“Do a green one, now.”

“I already tossed ten M&Ms in your mouth. That’s enough.”

“Do a red one.”

Feet Up People

I’m getting a little concerned.

I noticed that my friends fall a lot while on vacation.

I keep seeing their social media posts with photos of beautiful locations, and their feet are always sticking up at the bottom of the photo.

They must take the photos right after they fall down and are still flat on their backs.

Try to be more careful, people!

Flying Monkeys

Don’t You Hate It

Don’t you hate it when you finish fighting off a pack of flying monkeys

and you suddenly remember you’re at Walmart.

Helpful Outdoor Living Tip

If you ever spill a jar of honey on your face,

and then stagger into an open bag of birdseed,

don’t go outside.

Birds really like honey-flavored birdseed.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

I ran up to the grocery store to get a few things.

As I was trying to maneuver around all the gray-haired people standing in the middle of the aisles looking at things on the shelves, I thought to myself, “Wednesday must be old people shopping day.”

Then I remembered that I am 64.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

I am convinced that the force of gravity momentarily fluctuates in random locations throughout Earth.

If you happen to walk into one of these locations as the force of gravity changes, you will fall to the ground.

Because the human body is unaccustomed to temporary variations in the force of gravity, the resulting loss of equilibrium makes it impossible to balance.

When the sudden return of the normal force of gravity finds you out of balance, your body reacts by falling to the ground.

Of course, this cannot be proven through traditional scientific observation since the locations are extremely random and non-recurring.

And while it may be painful at the moment of occurrence, you should take solace in the fact that you can now consider yourself special for having experienced a rare fluctuation in the force of gravity that many people never encounter.

Which is almost as cool as time travel (alright, not even close.)

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

Three Line Conversations

“John, why is there a man crouching three feet away, taking pictures of us?”

“I’m a social media influencer. That’s Frank. You’ll get used to him.”

“I’m not that easily influenced. This date is over. Take me home.”

The Secret Of The Great Chefs

Revealed!

I am pretty sure great chefs put their mistakes in their hats.

And then empty them after work.

Short-Sighted Advice

Isn’t the advice “You better think twice” a little short-sighted?

What happens the third time you need to think?

Legal Disclaimer

Apparently, you can get sued for what you write online.

I tried to explain to my lawyer that very few people read my writing, so the odds of me getting sued are slim.

He didn’t care. He said I had to make a public legal disclaimer.

So here it is:

That should cover it.

Back to writing.

Sibling Love

Three Line Conversations

“Liar, I was not adopted.”

“Then why don’t you look like the rest of us?”

“I don’t know. Why do you look like my butt?”

I have way too many One Minute Wit stories in my stockpile, so my latest plan is to do a monthly collection of five on the first Monday of the month.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

If you ever go to a pumpkin patch in the fall and buy a whole bunch of pumpkins and put them in the back of your pickup truck, then have your friend drive around town while you sit in the back.

Don’t throw the pumpkins at the windshield of every car that gets within five feet of your truck while shouting:

“You’re too close Jack… O’Lantern. And the penalty is pumpkin!”

or

“See this pumpkin? Now, here comes the pie!”

or

“Orange looks good on you.”

People don’t like that.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

Joey loved Beth with all his heart. He found her carefree personality and cute looks irresistible. When she agreed to marry him, it was the happiest day of his life.

But a few years later, his beautiful bride developed a snore. Not just a light snore but a rafter-shaking, chainsaw-shaming, lawnmower-loud snore.

Joey couldn’t stand it. He typically waited until Beth was asleep and then went out to the living room and slept on the couch with two pillows over his ears.

He did the same thing last night. Then Joey had a weird dream. He dreamed a growling pack of wolves was chasing him. He ran as fast as he could, climbing a hill to escape. Joey climbed and climbed until he could no longer hear the wolves. Then, exhausted, he fell asleep.

Imagine Joey’s surprise when he woke up on the top of a mountain.

And he realized he left his phone on the coffee table.

Stock Photo Stories give you the real stories behind the photos—that I might have made up.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

If you don’t like to read, don’t read this, because it will involve reading, which you don’t like.

And I wouldn’t want you to waste your time doing something you don’t like.

There are far better things you could be doing with your time than reading this if you don’t like to read.

This is intended only for people who like to read, and you are not one of them.

So don’t read this.

You will not enjoy it.

I recommend instead that you try television, Netflix, YouTube, or the radio. Or go for a walk. Or take a nap. Since they involve very little or no reading at all.

Therefore, they would probably be something you would enjoy far better than this since you don’t like to read.

Which is your preference.

I am not judging you.

Not everyone likes to read.

And you are under no obligation to read this.

Nor should you feel guilty about not reading it.

After all, you don’t like to read.

In fact, I would discourage you from reading this.

Because it is quite lengthy and would cause you to spend time reading, which you have very clearly stated that you don’t like to do.

And it is not my intention to cause you to do something you don’t like.

Now, for those who do like to read, I am sorry about the delay in getting to my statement, but I didn’t want to bother those people who don’t like to read.

And I figured you wouldn’t mind since you do like to read.

Unlike some people. Who should not be reading this.

Anyway, here is the thing I wanted to say about reading:

I once read a book, and it was good, so I read it again.

And then I read another book.

And ever since then, I have liked to read.

Just like you.

Thank you for reading.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

This is a special Monday Morning Mark dedicated to my Dad, who passed away on Friday, September 27, 2024, at the age of 89.

I have spent the past three weeks in Michigan with my Mom, watching my Dad decline in health, suffer, fade, and finally pass away. Anyone who has had a similar experience will understand how difficult it is. But instead of sharing the sad details of my Dad’s passing, I want to use this issue to share some of his story, including three brief stories I previously wrote about him. In doing so, I hope to celebrate his life and hopefully still bring a smile to your Monday.

My Mom and Dad met in the 9^th grade (in the 1950s) in Flint, Michigan, and became High School sweethearts. After school, my Dad joined the Air Force. He was stationed in Kansas, Alaska, and finally Oxford, England. While he was stationed in England, my Mom sold her car, quit her job, and bought a plane ticket to England, where they got married.

After leaving the Air Force, my Dad went to work at the General Motors Assembly Plant at West Willow Airport in Ypsilanti, Michigan. The same plant where women (and men) assembled B-29 bombers during World War II and the famed “Rosie the Riveter” character was born. He painted new cars.

My brother Ken was born in 1959, and I followed in 1960. In 1961, we moved into a small ranch house near the airport, and my parents have lived there ever since.

My Dad worked the afternoon shift at “the shop” (as he liked to call it) and then the midnight shift at a Shell gas station to provide for his family. So, most of my early memories of my Dad were on the weekends.

On Saturdays, he would play music on his record player—mainly southern gospel quartets and Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. His love of music undoubtedly influenced my own love of music.

Saturday nights were popcorn night. Here is a little poem I wrote about Popcorn Night.

Popcorn Nights in the 1960s

There are four glass bowls
Decorated with farm items
Each a different size
Allowing them to stack nicely
inside each other in the cupboard

It is Saturday night
Popcorn night
Time to watch a movie on television
Dad makes the popcorn

There is clanging in the kitchen
as Dad gets out the metal popcorn popper
He adds a dab of oil
and pours in some popcorn
Then he adds the lid

We wait
and wait
and wait

Slowly, we hear the kernels explode
Throwing other kernels against the sides
The intensity increases until it is an avalanche of sound
The popcorn is done!

Mom fills the smallest bowl first
It is mine
I am the youngest
Bowl size is determined by age

Then Mom fills the next largest bowl
For my weird brother
He likes to read instead of play outside
But he likes popcorn night

Dad starts another batch
We take our places in front of the TV
I hope there is a good movie on tonight

We have to wait until everyone
has their popcorn to start eating
Finally, Mom and Dad return from the kitchen

I hope Dad isn’t too hungry
and has some leftovers I can eat tonight
or sneak some in the morning
out of the bowl

Sometimes Dad makes a third batch
I like that
It means I get seconds
I like Popcorn Night

Television at the time had five channels. Three network channels: ABC, NBC, and CBS. A local station (Channel 50) that played old movies (Bill Kennedy At The Movies) and reruns. And because we lived close to Canada, we got “the Canadian channel” (Channel 9 CBC), which showed hockey, curling, and BBC shows. And some Canadian kid’s shows like The Friendly Giant and Mr. Dressup.

There were no recording devices or streaming. You watched a show when it was broadcast, or you missed it. How times have changed.

Sundays were church, followed by eating out at The Beef Buffet. Afterward, my Dad would watch Star Trek or a war movie on TV.

In the 1960s, I was a “go outside and play” kid and spent much of my free time running the neighborhood with other kids. But as the years passed, I got to know my Dad better as we played board games and he drove me to Ann Arbor for guitar lessons.

Here is a story I wrote about my Dad based on my early memories. I pretended to be a kid in elementary school writing about his Dad.

My Dad

“Class, today’s assignment is to write a report about your father. You must include at least five things. You may add drawings if you like. Begin.”

My Dad
By Mark Starlin
April 01, 1968

My Dad has a really big mustash. Sometimes he curls the ends up with wax. My Mom doesn’t like that.

It is scary to ride in the car when my Dad drives.

He is left-handed. And can bend just the tips of his fingers down.

He drinks 100 cups of coffy a day. And he has a thermos he fills with coffy for work.

He tells storys to other grown ups and then laffs. He starts most of his storys with “There’s a kid at the shop…”

He plays music on the record player on Sundays. He has lots of albums.

He likes popcorn. Me too.

He works at The Shop. He makes cars. There is an airport there too. And trains. It is cool. But I am not allowed to go in.

He works in the afternoon and stays up really late. I wish I could stay up late. But Mom always says, “Go to bed. You have school in the morning.”

The end.

Several years ago, I wrote this silly little story for Father’s Day.

A Cheer For My Dad!

The cheap gift for the man who doesn’t really want anything.

Dad, I was thinking about Father’s Day gifts for you and decided a new Porsche would be cool. But then I remembered you are retired and don’t really have anywhere to go.

Then I thought, what about a new left-handed Rolex watch? But again, being retired, you don’t really need to know what time it is

So I thought, how about a top-of-the-line leather belt with a gold belt buckle that spelled out “CAL.” But then I remembered you wear suspenders.

Then I got the great idea to send you a Father’s Day card with 82 dollars in it because you’re 82 years old. But on the way to the card shop I drove by the donut shop, which is right next to the Mexican restaurant, which is right next to the ice cream place. And I was extra hungry from shopping. Then, after eating, when I went to get your card, there were Starbursts next to the check-out counter…

Well, I guess it’s the thought that counts.

Buying gifts is hard!

Finally, I figured I would just make you something. But with my limited carpentry and mechanical abilities, all I could come up with was writing you a cheer. So here it is:

You’re my Dad! 
You’re my Dad!
You’re the best Dad I ever had! 
Without a doubt! 
Kirk out!

I hope you enjoyed it, Dad.

Love your youngest, most handsome (according to the latest poll,) and smartest (I’m not talking book smarts, I’m talking street smarts from the mean streets of suburbia) son Mark.

Not to be confused with your older son Ken, who to be fair, did produce a male heir to carry on the family name and assure that the Starlin dynasty continues. And also took on the selfless task of continuing the male Starlin mustache tradition. And can sing pretty good for a Starlin. But can’t write awesome cheers like another more creative son of yours can.

Happy Father’s Day! (Free bonus cheer.)

My Dad was a man of faith. Church played a big role in his life, and he was well-known and loved by his church family of 45 years. My faith and instincts tell me I will be seeing my Dad again. So, for now, I will simply say, “See you later, Dad.”

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

Spot: Alright, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt about a bullfrog named Jeremiah being a good friend of yours, even though you never understood a single word he said.

But to claim he always had a mighty fine wine is a little hard to believe.

All the bullfrogs I know drink cheap wine.

Fido: Not Jeremiah. And the reason I couldn’t understand him was he spoke Spanish.

Duke: Well, I never been to Spain. But I kinda like the music.

An Unusual Man

There once was a man who only wore boots.

Which probably explains all the mosquito bites.

Put some clothes on!

Do You Like Snakes?

Three Line Conversations

“Do you like snakes?”

“Not particularly. Why?”

“One just slithered up your shirt.”

Cruel Party Tricks

Whenever I have writers over, I make them play charades.

It kills them when they can’t use words.

The Rock Garden

Another failure

Alright, I give up.

I really wanted a rock garden.

And for four years, I have diligently planted rocks but have not gotten a single sprout.

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

“Neither is particularly comfortable,

but bareback riding is far less painful than bear back riding.”

— Jude, The Animal Expert Dude

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

“Humans are so weird.”

“Why?”

“They invented a machine that cuts the top off of grass. What a waste of food.”

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

The African elephant is a remarkable creature. We are continually learning new things about them.

In fact, leading animal experts—such as me—have recently discovered that elephants love to sit on bean bags. Not the small bean bags that were popular with humans during the 20th century, but huge squishy ones large enough to hold a full-grown elephant.

I now believe that at one point in time, there were vast numbers of large, squishy African plains creatures shaped exactly like huge bean bags. Of course, the species is now extinct because, well, to put it frankly, elephants love to sit on huge squishy bean bags. The squishy bean bag-like creatures never stood a chance.

Unfortunately, no remains of the bean bag-like creatures have ever been found. I attribute this to the fact that elephants are very heavy.

Even now, if you see an elephant walk past a human-sized bean bag, they will instinctively cast it a longing look. Wishing it was bigger.

— Jude, The Animal Expert Dude

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

I had planned to write about my childhood memories of growing up in Hawaii—the surfing, the lava hopping, learning the ukulele, seeing Elvis do his satellite live concert.

Then I remembered that I have never actually been to Hawaii, so I am torn about pursuing it.

Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark

“The photographer left hours ago. How long are we supposed to sit here? ”

“Perhaps I can illuminate the situation.”

“I would rather table the whole discussion.”

Aren’t you glad you don’t speak furniture?

Happy Monday. Thanks for reading and responding. You make it fun.

Mark